


You Crack Me Up, Steven: Based on the 1945 Tabloid article: Sam & Max meet some Space Rock people (A Sam & Max + Steven Universe Crossover)

by DaJoestanator



Category: Sam & Max, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Cartoon Network references, Comedy, Crossover, Feel-good, Gen, Mystery, Parody, Sam & Max Hit the Road references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-22 19:45:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14315847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaJoestanator/pseuds/DaJoestanator
Summary: When Everyone in Beach City (Except Steven and the Gems) disappears, they must rely on two idols from Steven's past. (Takes place between "Too Far" and "The Answer." and sometime after Season 1 of the TellTale Games)





	1. Chapter 1

It was the most intense battle anyone, be they gem or gem/human hybrid, could ever endure. Two gladiators, Amethyst and Steven Universe, stared each other down; their eyes filled with the white-hot intensity of a thousand shooting stars. Rubber mallets in hand as they prepared for combat.

“I never thought it’d come to this,” Steven spoke first.

“We both knew it was only a matter of time,” Amethyst replied, matching his intensity.

“I’ve been training my whole life for this,” Steven raised his mallet in glory. “I’m ready for anything.”

“Oh really?” Amethyst raised her own mallet. “Go ahead then, make my day!”

The heat was on. Nothing would stop these two miniature titans from fighting their most perilous fight yet-

**RIIIIIIIIING!**

**“WAK-A-RAT!!!”**

The bell rang and the game began. Steven and Amethyst mercilessly started whacking rats left and right at the newest arcade game at the Funland Arcade. Steven bopped and whacked rats on the left as quickly as possible. . Amethyst, using shape shifting to gain extra arms, smacked and slaughtered rats to the right. No plastic rat was safe from these two goofballs.

Even though Steven was banned from going on the rides at Funland after a little incident, Mr. Smiley still allowed him to play in the arcade... As long as he had money. So Steven and Amethyst thought it would be fun to get out of the beach house temple for the day and have a little fun, starting with playing this new arcade game. After a while of merciless rat-whacking, the winner sign flashed repeatedly. The battle was over and the two cheered in victory.

“Woo-hooo! We’re the rat-whacking champions!” Steven whooped.

“YEAH! The winner airplane ain’t stoppin’ anytime, boy!!” Amethyst hollered before stuffing her mallet down her throat into her bottomless stomach. “Hey, when did the arcade get THIS game, anyway?”

“Beats me,” Steven shrugged, “I just saw it in here yesterday. But hey, we won the prize!!”

Steven pointed to the prize slot of the Wak-A-Rat game, reached in, and pulled out an old flashlight. Steven eyed the partially broken spoil of victory.

Amethyst, on the other hand, wasn’t that thrilled, as her face drooped in a frown.

“Hey, what a rip! It doesn’t even have a lightbulb!”

“Uh, th-that’s ok,” Steven reassured. “It can still be a ... A broken, lightless badge of our rat-whacking victory!”

Only Steven could put a positive spin on winning a worthless prize. After that, Steven and Amethyst made their way out of the arcade.

“Just saying, all the rats I smashed, they could at least add a lightbulb or somethin’,” Amethyst muttered to herself.

Amethyst looked around shiftily and stuffed the whole flashlight down her gullet. Satisfied that her number one fan had fun at the arcade, she followed Steven out the exit... But neither one of them noticed they were the only ones inside the arcade... Even Mr. Smiley was missing.

Even if the duo had noticed, they wouldn’t care; for the moment they stepped outside, boredness started to consume them both as they slumped. “Meh, now I’m bored,” Amethyst moaned.

“Me too,” Steven slumped, but quickly perks up. “B-but it’s still really cool to get out for the day, Amethyst.”

“Pssh, ain’t no thing, Stee-man,” Amethyst smirked. “After the work on the drill we’ve been doing, I think getting away from the barn or out of the temple ain’t gonna kill us.”

“Yeah, just wish working with Peridot wasn’t making everyone so tense,” Steven sighed. He was probably the only one who could stand the latest addition to the temple - he never told the other gems this, but mostly he liked having someone to teach things about earth after all the years of HIM being taught.

Steven thought of something, “Which reminds me, are you still-”

“YES Steven, I’m still good,” Amethyst rolled her eyes at Steven’s concern, “It’s gonna take a LOT more than Homenerd being a buttface to shatter THIS rock!” Truth be told, Peridot calling her ‘a defective quartz’ still left a scar, but she couldn’t let Steven know that.

“I know, I guess it’s just hard to relax lately,” Steven admitted. “With Malachite still out there, the Cluster, all those fusion experiments... And I MAY still have some issues I need to work out from the whole Sardonyx incident.” Steven fidgeted with his fingers awkwardly at that last one.

“You and me both, buddy,” Amethyst rubbed her neck awkwardly. “But come on, Stee-man, there ain’t no butt we can’t kick! Besides, you’re still WAAAY too young to be freaking out like this... Unless you’re Pearl, then it’s hilarious!” Amethyst playfully ruffled Steven’s hair, making him giggle; she always liked hearing her number one fan laugh.

Then, a new idea popped into her head. “Buuut HEY! I know one thing that perks up Stee-mans, AND cures boredom!”

Steven gasped excitedly as stars appeared in his eyes. “You mean... The bits?”

“The bits,” Amethyst smirked.

The fun-loving duo cheered loudly as they sprinted towards one of their all-time favorite restaurants, Beach Citywalk Fries. The whole time the goofy duo chanted “THE BITS! THE BITS! THE BITS! THE BITS,” over and over.

Steven scooted up to window counter with a dollar, “A bagful of your finest bits, my good sir,” he asked, trying to sound like the civil-i-fied part human/part gem he was.  
“YEAH-AH!!! NOTHING BUT DEM BIIITS, SON!!!” Shouted a not-so civil-i- fied Amethyst.

The two of them waited for a few seconds... But no bits came out. In fact, there was no one even at the counter.

“Hey! Where’re the bits?!” Amethyst complained.

Steven peeked his head in the window, “Uh... Mr. Fryman? .. Peedee? ... Ronaldo?”

“Helloooo? Weird paranoid guy who kidnapped Steven and made that stupid documentary?” Amethyst stuck her head in too and looked around. Sill no one to be found, “Huh. Guess they’re not open.”

“AAAAWWWW!” Steven moaned.“My hopes for fry bits have been dashed... I feel empty inside.”

“Eh, whatevs,” Amethyst shrugged, noticing Fish Stew Pizza right next door. “How ‘bout some pizza?”

“Suddenly I feel whole again!” Steven perked up. They rushed over to Fish Stew Pizza, thinking the Pizza family would give them a discount during their time of need. However, when Steven peered into the restaurant, he noticed something was off.

“What the-? ...Hey! There’s no one here either!”

Amethyst groaned, “What? They can’t be closed too!” This was starting to get scary, it seemed like everywhere was closed, “Uh... Donuts?!”

The duo ran faster than ever before to the Big Donut, praying like mad that they would be open. However, they took one step inside and-

“Empty?!”

It was true, no sign of Lars nor Sadie inside. Steven’s heart sank, “This-this can’t be happening! Three of the best food places in the universe-”

“Eh, still say that pizza ain’t that good,” Amethyst muttered.

“ALL CLOSED!?” Steven fell to his knees, “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS CITY?!?!”

Something clicked in Amethyst’s head; she peeked outside the door and looked around at the empty streets. “Uh... Steven, I don’t think it’s just the food places. Did you happen to see ANYONE out today?”

“No, I didn’t. There wasn’t anyone at the arcade either!” The two glanced nervously at each other... looks like break time was over, and it was going to be one of those days.


	2. Chapter 2

Meanwhile, back at the barn, it was back to work on the drill for Pearl and Peridot; while Garnet supervised in case more stray cows wandered by... Or they had to put Peridot on the leash again. They were making progress again even after the little runaway drill accident, now Peridot was helping Pearl remove the rusty useless bolts from the jet engine. Unfortunately, Pearl had gotten the only wrench they had left; Peridot was forced to remove the bolts with her teeth!

“Remind me, PEARL, why I am being forced to remove these metallic-fasteners with my face-hole daggers!?” Peridots grunted in frustration.

Pearl fought the urge to chuckle at Peridot’s terminology for teeth. “Sorry, Peridot, but the only other good wrench was destroyed after you and Amethyst’s little drill accident.”

“Well why doesn’t the Perma-fusion over there have to do this?” The little green gem mumbled to herself.

Garnet adjusted her shades, “Because someone has to chase off the cows.” To emphasize her point, she lowered her shades and glared down an oncoming cow. The cow was quick to back off and run away.

**“GUYS!! GUYS!!”**

The three gems stopped everything and looked in the distance, only to see Steven and Amethyst running towards them waving their arms in panic.

“Steven? Amethyst?” Pearl was surprised to see them panicking like this. “What’s going on with you two?”

Unfortunately, the only thing that came out of the duo were gibberish ramblings. Garnet placed her fingers on their lips to shush them.

“Calm down, both of you. Now tell us what’s wrong.”

“EVERYONE IN BEACH CITY’S DISAPPEARED!!!” The two finally shouted together.

“Disa- wha? Are you sure?” Pearl asked.

“We checked everywhere!” Steven explained, “Funland-” “Vidalia’s house-” Amethyst added.

“The Lighthouse-”

“That one... Other guy’s house-”

“My dad’s van-”

“That other... One guy’s house-”

“I even texted Connie like five times... Which is probably really creepy, but still! Nothing! The whole city’s just... Poof!”

“But... But that’s impossible!” Pearl thought for a minute, “Then... It looks like-”

“-We’re the only ones left in all of Beach City,” Garnet finished.

“Whoa, creeeepy!” Amethyst commented. It seemed as if the reality of the situation had sunken in for her, “...Who wants to have a city-block fiesta?!” Sadly, it didn’t sink deep enough.

“Amethyst, this is serious!” Pearl groaned, turning to a certain homeworld gem. “Peridot, could this be a sign that the Cluster is emerging?”

“Of course not,” Peridot scoffed. “If the Cluster were already emerging, the Earth would already be scattered into millions and millions of fragmented pieces and all life on earth would be floating throughout the cosmos until they perish in the cold dead of space and we gems would all be shattered.”

Steven was more than spooked by Peridot’s explanation. “...Well, at least that means we still got time.” Steven suddenly thought of something, “Garnet, can you use your future vision to see if anyone else nearby is gonna disappear... Or if WE’RE gonna disappear?”

“Hmmm....” Garnet pondered. “Well, it’s not exactly detective vision, Steven... But I can’t think of anything else to do.”

With that, she brought her hands close to her eyes to concentrate, as thousands of possibilities flowed in front of her eyes.

After a while, Steven spoke up, “Well, do you see anything?”

Garnet saw an endless sea of possible futures, but then one very strange one played before her eyes. “I can’t see anything about us disappearing, but we may want to move out of the way.”

“Why?” Peridot asked nervously.

Garnet pointed up, “Because a flying car is about to fall on us.”

“Oh. Is that all?” A relieved Pearl asked. “Well, that shouldn’t be...” Her eyes bugged out when she realized what Garnet said, “Did she just say flying car?”

“Eeyup,” Amethyst pointed up, and sure enough, a car was falling from the sky right towards them!

Everyone scattered for cover; Garnet pulled Steven close for protection, and Peridot clung to Amethyst, who in turn clung to Pearl, for dear life. Just as they had all dived out of the way, the car finally hit the ground with a loud thud!

When the dust cleared, everyone turned to see what had landed -and almost killed them. Standing proudly in the center was an old black and white 1960’s DeSoto Adventurer with a gold shield on the doors. It looked a bit beaten up, probably from years of use, and yet still looked solid enough even after the impact. The five gems cautiously approached it.

Peridot stared at the vehicle from behind Steven. “What is that thing?! Some sort of interdimensional transport device!?”

Steven stared in awe at the strange car. “It’s an old-school car!” “...That fell from the sky,” Pearl added in confusion.

“Cooool! ... Let’s poke it!!!” Amethyst approached the car to poke it.

“Amethyst, no!” Pearl shouted, stopping her. “You can’t poke a flying vehicle like that... What if something gross or dangerous pops out?! The last thing we need is ANOTHER hostile space traveler trying to destroy the Earth.”

That didn’t stop a certain homeworld gem; she leaped on the hood of the car and started thumping mercilessly on it with her tiny hands. “I demand you to show yourself, you filthy clods!! Don’t you know you came THIS close to horribly injuring a Certified Kindergartner technician -and her collaborators!”

When banging on the hood didn’t work, Peridot tried banging on the windows.

“Come on out! I demand identification, and I demand it-” in the middle of her ranting, the window lowered down slowly, “.... Now? Well, that’s more like it. Now, if you would be so kind as to-”

_**“BONZAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!”** _

Suddenly, a fuzzy white blur leaped out of the window straight at Peridot. Before anyone knew what happened, there was a short, fuzzy rabbit-like creature with a frightening smile and sharp teeth gnawing on top of Peridot’s head.

Peridot just stood there in confusion, then looked up at the creature. “AAAAHHHH!” Peridot screamed. “GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!! IT’S GNAWING ON MY HEAD UNIT!!!” The little gem ran all around the yard, trying to shake the rabbit-like creature off her head... But to no avail..

The rest of the gems were surprised to see this... Although Amethyst was trying hard not to laugh loudly at Peridot’s pain.

Pearl blinked to see if this was real. “... Everyone else is seeing the fuzzy... White thing on Peridot’s head too, right?”

“Yep,” the other gems nodded.

“I’m a lagomorph, lady!” The rabbit-like creature corrected, still biting down on Peridot’s head. It unclasped its jaw and called to the car. “Hey Sam! I got a live one over here!! And she has the distinct taste of toothpaste and pickle Doritos! I hate those!”

What stepped out of the car next made everyone’s jaw drop: A six-foot anthropomorphic dog wearing a grey suit and fedora. Sam, the dog, straightened his tie and approached.

“Good work, Max. Let’s take a looksie.” He picked up Peridot by her legs to get a better look. “Ooh, this one looks like a keeper, little buddy.”

Max, the rabbit-creature, unhinged his jaw to speak. “Where’s the camera, Sam?”

“Don’t you remember, Baskethead? You jumped on my head shouting ‘Jersey Devil! Jersey Devil!’ and threw the camera out the window!”

“I SWEAR, that old lady was a dead ringer for him!”

“Release me this instant, you annoying fuzzy piles of moss clods!!!” Peridot shouted, clearly having enough.

“Wow. No one’s ever called me a clod before... I don’t know what to say,” Max sniffled tearfully.

“.... So just to be clear,” Pearl scratched her head, “Those are walking, talking, dog and rabbit creatures we are all seeing, right?”

“Looks like it,” Garnet answered matter-of-factly.

“Just making sure.” Pearl cleared her throat, “Um excuse me.... Gentlemen? Would you be so kind as to put down our frie.... Comra... Uh, associate? I assure you, she did not mean any-”

“Holy leaping father of Mother Teresa on a subway driving through the Amazon in black leather stockings on a leap year!” Sam exclaimed, finally noticing the other gems.

“Uh, was that English?” Amethyst asked

“Look alive, Max! It seems like our little toddling savage here has some presumably hostile playmates!”

“Oooh!” Max smiled deviously. “Shall I confront, subdue, pummel, and make throw rugs out of the hostiles, Sam?”

“Sic ‘em up, little buddy.”

“Right, Sam! You hang on to the key lime tortilla chip! I’ll take the salty woodpecker, the tiny puma, and the Black Dynamite extra with the Rubik’s Cube haircut!”

“...What’s a tortilla chip?” Peridot queried.

“Hostiles? ...Wait, SALTY WOODPECKER!?” Pearl fumed. Amethyst tried not to giggle.

_**“NO PRISONEEERRRRSSS!!!!”** _

Max leapt with absolute abandon and landed... Right at Garnet’s legs. He then started to chew on Garnet’s leg like he did with Peridot’s head.

“Hey!” Steven panicked. “Cut that out! Garnet’s legs aren’t made for chewing! Garnet, are you okay?”

“To be honest, it’s starting to tickle,” Garnet replied, without a flinch. “...Okay, now it’s starting to get annoying.”

After a while, Garnet formed one of her gauntlets and pried Max off her leg. Max squirmed and writhed in her grip, trying to grab her face. However, his paw slipped and ended up knocking off Garnet’s shades.

Everyone gasped as Garnet’s shades hit the floor.

Max stopped struggling and looked up to see Garnet’s three eyes staring back at him. They stared into his very essence, filled with both annoyance and embarrassment. Garnet expected Max to start screaming in fear; but instead-

“Oooooh,” Max said in amazement, “Can you shoot surgical lasers out of that eye, or is it one of those psychic eyes that can see the last two winning lottery numbers in the next two years?”

Garnet looked confused but relaxed a bit.

“It’s a little more complicated than that. Though, to be honest, I expected you to be more freaked out.”

“Well, not to put a downer on your domineering appearance, Miss,” Sam cut in. “But Max and I see more frightening, traumatizing beings of unknown origin growing at the back of our freezer.”

“I call him Craig!” Max smiled.

Garnet had no idea what to make of Max, but she smirked in amusement at his weirdness, and pat him on the head with her other hand.

Max looked awestruck at the affectionate gesture, then hollered in agony.

“The affection! It burns us!! It burns us all!!!” Garnet let him go as he started shaking and spazzing like he was having a seizure.

“Whoa! Is he okay?” Amethyst asked, worried.

“Oh I wouldn’t worry,” Sam explained, “Max has a short tolerance for sudden waves of emotional impacts.”

“They’re called ‘feels,’ Sam,” Max groaned, calming down. “Yeesh, it’s like you’ve never been on the internet before!”

“But we destroyed the internet once, Max”

“You can say the same thing about most fandoms,” Max glared out towards the readers, “You KNOW who you are!!”

“Fascinating. Now can you PUT ME DOWN?!” Peridot shrieked until Sam finally let her go. She landed on the ground with a light thud. “I’m FINE, thanks for asking.”

“Nobody asked,” Pearl muttered. “Well, now that that’s settled, why were you two attacking us and stealing our... Associate?”

“My apologies, Ma’am.” Sam answered, “My little buddy and I mistook you all for a gaggle of decorative cannibals come to feast off the flesh from our fuzzy little carcases without so much as a ‘how-do-you-do.’”

“Not only did we think it, we HOPED for it,” Max added.

Steven eyed the strange duo for a while... Then something clicked in his head.

“Wait a minute! Sam? Max?” His eyes widened in wonder as stars appeared in them. “No way! It’s you!! It’s really you!! I can’t believe it!!”

He leaped at the duo and pulled them into one of his classic Steven-y hugs. Sam and Max were taken aback by this hug, but they didn’t pull away... Even though Max tried his hardest.

“Steven,” Pearl questioned. “Do you know these two... Strangers? Big emphasis on strange.” Pearl mumbled that last part to herself.

“They’re not strangers,” Steven explained with excitement. “They’re Sam & Max: Freelance Police!”

“Sam & Max?” Amethyst queried.

“FREELANCE Police?” Pearl added.

“That would explain a lot,” Garnet concluded.

“You’re telling me that these two... Creatures are Earthly law enforcement sentries?” Peridot asked with disbelief.

“That’s FREELANCE Earthly law enforcement sentries, lady,” Max corrected, showing Peridot his badge.

“Self-appointed dispensers of steaming hot bowls of justice who, upon the call of our seldom-seen high commissioner, take on weird and bizarre cases that no one with a shred of sanity would solve,” Sam explained.

“-And we also have a recipe for a delicious crab salad for those awkward dinner parties,” Max quipped, somehow with a plate full of said salad.

“Sweet!” Amethyst smiled, grabbing the plate and eating the salad whole... Including the plate. “Eh, needs more fire salt.”

“So you two are policemen, er... Creatures, AND detectives?” Pearl asked.

“Are you kidding? These two are the coolest detective/police guys ever!!!” Steven exclaimed in excitement. “Only NEXT to Sherlock Honeycombs Bear... But nobody can take his spot!”

“Ooooh, wait! I remember these two!” Amethyst remembered. “Greg’s got a bunch of old comics about these guys. They’re hilarious!!”

“Yeah! Amethyst used to sneak these from my dad and read them to me when I was little,” Steven explained.

“Now available in graphic novel format for $19.99 at cartoon-art-museum.com,” Max promoted to the readers, holding said graphic novel in his hands.

“You never were subtle at product placement, Max,” Sam rolled his eyes.

“What? I’m helping pay for this episode to happen! ...Not that anyone wanted it to happen,” Max explained. The gems just stared at the two in confusion, but didn’t dare ask what they were talking about.

“Comic books, eh?” Pearl eyed the comic, and then snatched it out of Max’s hand. “Let’s just take a look at these, shall we?”

Pearl skimmed through the book, her face slowly melting into a horrified frown the more she looked through; getting more and more horrified at every strange and bizarre adventure written in the book.

“OH, MY GOODNESS!!!” Pearl gasped. “Amethyst! Why would you let Steven READ these comics?!?!”

“I dunno,” Amethyst shrugged. “I thought he’d like the dog and bunny... Things.”

Pearl repulsively handed Garnet the comic. “All this graphical violence and absurd ‘humor’ could’ve warped his fragile little mind!”

“These are the most absurd and disturbing stories I’ve ever read,” Garnet replied, skimming through the comics. “... I loved them.”

Peridot snatched the book, skimmed through it, and grimaced in disgust.

“For once, I can understand the Pearl’s distaste in this periodical. NOTHING in these ‘stories’ makes sense!!!”

“Now do I look like the kind of thing that cares about making sense?” Max asked, with a devilish grin.

“Hey! My brain wasn’t THAT warped!” Steven defended. “... But for the first couple of weeks, I kept thinking that pirates were gonna come to Beach City and steal our manatees.”

“LOVED that road trip!” Max giggled.

“But wait, if you guys are just comic book and video game characters, how’re you here?” Steven queried.

“Well, we like to think that our existence is still possible thanks to the power of ‘pop culture following,’” Sam explained, though he was mostly joking.

Steven didn’t get the joke. “What’s ‘pop culture following?’”

“You’ll find out soon enough, Steven,” Sam winked. “In the meantime, we can divulge to you how we happened upon your tropical little ghost town. It was but five hours ago... We had just got back to the office, back from the case of the missing TV Network Presidents...”

“I’M BORED ALREADY!!!” Amethyst groaned loudly. “Don’t you guys have some kinda... Home movie thing or something?”

Sam thought for a second, then inspiration struck. He whispered something to Max, who shot him a thumbs up and ran for the DeSoto. He rummaged through the back seat; finally, he pulled out an old movie projector machine and some jumper cables. Sam clipped one end of the jumper cables to the projector, while Max clipped the other end to Pearl’s ears -Sam had to convince Max not to connect them to her pointed nose.

Pearl shrieked in pain as the jumper cables clamped down on her ears; she glared at the Freelance Police as Sam flipped a switch on the projector, and a movie projection shone right out of Pearl’s gem using the barn as a makeshift screen. The rest of the gems looked at the screen in amazement -Steven and Amethyst munched on popcorn- as the projected movie began playing back the events from five hours ago.


	3. Chapter 3

_Five hours ago, it had been just another day in the life of the Freelance Police: Sam was reclining at his desk strumming away at his banjo, while Max was trying to squish an unfortunate cockroach with his hammer._

_As Sam plucked away at his banjo, he began to sing a familiar yet unfamiliar tune._

“When I see the way you act, Wondering when I'm coming back, I could do about anything, I could even learn how to love like you .... _Hmm, still feels unfinished,” He mumbled to himself._

**_RIIIIIING!!!!_ **

**_“I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!!!”_ **

_Once again, the siren of Sam and Max’s phone rang throughout the office, sending the strange duo diving for the phone shoving and pushing each other away. Finally, Sam had Max pinned against the wall with his foot as he got to the phone first, answering the phone without fuss._

_“Yeah? Yeah? Uh-huh? Uh-huh? No!_ She said _that? Yeah? Yeah? Roger! Billy! Mandy! We’re on it!” He then hung up the_ phone, _and released Max from his foot trap. “That was the Commissioner, Max.”_

_“Did another network president go missing?” Max asked._

_“Thankfully not, but they’re still looking for that naive schlub who thought it was wise to dump live-action litter in an all-cartoon zone.” A horrific scream and banging_ was _heard in Sam and Max’s closet, but the duo just ignored it. “That reminds me, Max, did you remember to feed Stu today?”_

_“I’m training him to fetch it himself with his wrists tied to his ankles,” Max simply said._

_“Oh well. The Commissioner’s all hepped up about some strange happenings over at the faraway land of Beach City!” Sam explained. “Locals, restaurant owners, and even Sinbad wannabes are disappearing on mass!”_

_“_ Oh _my gosh, Sam! You said ‘on mass!!’” Max panicked. “Also, who would WANT to be Sinbad?”_

_“Pinhead!”_

_“Where IS Beach City, Max? I mean, Sam?”_

_“Up there, little buddy,” Sam pointed toward the sky. “Beyond the very stars in the soup of our chunky universe.”_

_“You mean, we’re going to the Multiverse?!” Max exclaimed, eyes widening in_ wonder .

_“That’s correct, Max.”_

_“Oh boy!” Max cheered. “We better pack the essentials!!_

_So Sam and Max packed up the essentials for their case -which was almost everything in their office- as they made their way out to the car._

_“Did you remember to sew ID tags in your underwear?” Sam asked._

_“But I don’t-”_

_“Oh_ yeah. _” Sam remembered. “...Me neither.”_

But just as Sam and Max were about to get to their car, the movie had ended, and Pearl’s gem had ceased the projecting -much to her relief.

“Awww,” Steven moaned.“It was just getting good too.”

“And thus,” Sam finished. “We hitched up our traveling pants -well one of us, anyway- and then we stuffed our muffler with thousands and thousands of match heads, ignited them, and blasted off into the wild multi-yonder!”

“And that worked?” Pearl found that hard to believe.

“You bet it did. But I wouldn’t recommend you trying it at home, Steven,” Sam warned as he ruffled the youngster’s hair. “Leave it to PROFESSIONAL boneheads, like Max and I!”

By now, Max was sticking his head into the open mouth of Lion, who had wandered in while the flashback was playing, like a lion tamer. “Sam! Sam! Hey Sam! Look at me! Sam! Look at me, Sam! Look at me, Sa-” Lion closed his jaw on Max’s head. “AAAW, SAAAAAM! YOU MISSED IIIIT!!!!!”

“Lion! No! We don’t eat our idols like they’re Lion Lickers!” Steven scolded, as he and Amethyst began pulling Max free from Lion’s jaw; Peridot and Pearl just looked confused, and Garnet was unreadable as ever.

“Unfortunately, our adventure had hit one too many misdirections and we ended up stumbling upon the strange forgotten worlds of the multiverse,” Sam continued. “We’ve been to Endsville, Marzipan City, Peach Creek, Sector V, Stormalong Harbor, the Land of Ooo-”

“Strangely cryptic for a place so weird and bizarre,” Max added as he was finally pulled free from Lion’s mouth.

“-Also, we may have picked up a few too many ‘ill-gotten’ souvenirs during our travels,” Sam admitted.

Right as he said that, the trunk of the DeSoto burst open. From inside the trunk poured out a collection of cartoon memorabilia past; including a wooden board with a face drawn on it, a large mask that could likely be used to scare cowardly dogs, a scythe, a bust statue of a little old lady, a woman made entirely out of candy, and a large white polar bear.

“Ice Bear wants a lawyer,” The polar bear said plainly as he simply got up and walked away, stopping only to nod at Garnet -who nodded back.

Steven shook off what just happened and looked back up to Sam in wonder. “How’d the Commissioner know about the missing people?”

“Nobody knows,” Sam shrugged.

“Nor does anyone care,” Max added.

“But all that matters is that we follow these incredibly expositional orders... Or else!” Sam added cryptically.

“Or else what?” Pearl asked suspiciously.

“Nobody knooooooows!” Sam moaned in a spooky fashion, causing Amethyst and Steven to giggle. “But farbeit from us to question the will of a seemingly-omniscient seldom-seen higher power. So we’d like to thank you for your hospitality-”

Max clung to Pearl’s legs. “And for not using your jagged schnoz to perforate my lemon-shaped brain.” Pearl just scowled at this; Max turned to Peridot. “Also you... You taste salty.” Peridot was more than a little freaked out.

Steven gave his saddest pair of eyes. “Awww. Do you guys have to go already?”

Sam ruffled Steven’s hair. “Sorry, Champ; but if WE don’t head off into the wild unknown to do the forbidden dance with death, then who will?” He then grabbed Max by the ears, “Now let’s roll, Little Buddy!!”

Sam and Max dashed for the door for the doors to the DeSoto. But before they can get in and drive off, Garnet blocked their way and stopped the two in place.

“Not so fast,” Garnet simply stated, “We’re coming with you.”

“We are?” Peridot and Pearl asked in confusion.

“We are?!” Steven and Amethyst asked in excitement.

“You are?” Sam was skeptical. “What logical reason-”

“-Other than the fact that the network will skin our adorable fuzzy hides if we say ‘no,’” Max cut in.

“-Would a gaggle of defenders from beyond our stars like you tag along with a duo of lovable sociopaths like us?” Sam asked.

“For one,” Garnet began, “Because we’re the Crystal Gems, and it is our duty to protect this planet from any/all mysterious forces that threaten it.”

“Plus, these missing civilians are our neighbors. ...Yes some of them are not our personal favorites, but a majority of them are Steven’s friends... And father!” Pearl added.

“Plus, when am I ever going to say I got to solve a case with the Freelance Police!?” Steven added with excitement.

“...They’re convincing negotiators, Sam! They’ve been to community college!” Max exclaimed.

“I’d say they’re darn-near ready for politics, Little Buddy,” Sam admitted. “YOU’RE IN!!!” The duo announced.

“SWEET!!!” Amethyst and Steven cheered.

 **“Unacceptable!!!”** A certain angry slice of pie shrieked. “While your human accessories are apparently essential for the ecosystem of your... ‘Beach’ residence, need I remind you that our priority right now is STOPPING THE CLUSTER?! It could emerge any day now!!”

“Well you DID say that the earth would already be falling apart if the cluster were emerging,” A smart alec-y Pearl smirked.

“Besides, we’ve been working on this drill thing forever,” Amethyst moaned, “I need to get out there again! Get my whip dirty! Punch things!!”

“You’re already overqualified, lady.” Max giggled.

“Awww, come on, Peridot! Just ONE little, itty-bitty mission with the Freelance Police? PLLLEEEAAAAASSSEEE??” Steven gave Peridot his biggest pair of pleading eyes, and brought it home with his cutest whimpering noises.

Peridot winced at Steven’s pleading. “Stop making that face, Steven! It is making me feel... Hollow and concerned inside!”

“That’s the power of Steven’s face,” Garnet explained, remembering her own weakness to the face.

“Ooooh, can we borrow your face?” Max asked.

Peridot ignored Max, and finally groaned. “FINE! We’ll help these creatures find the human accessories!” Steven smiled widely, helping Peridot relax. “But what do we get out of it?”

“Ooh! Maybe Sam and Max can help us deal with the Cluster?” Steven pondered.

“No can do, Steven,” Sam replied. “If we were to break the chunky and milky flow of continuity and interfere with your mission to stop the Cluster, not only would no one discover anything new about themselves, but it could cause a rupture in the tender veins of the multiverse’s natural order of story arcs, causing all existence as we know it to cease to be!”

“For those who don’t speak science, we can’t do it because none of this is canon and we’re not getting paid to beat up a giant rock amalgamation in the earth’s core,” Max translated. “I mean, we’d do it for free, but we can’t afford any more angry letters.” Max slumped sadly, he actually wished he COULD tango with the Cluster.

“It probably is for the best anyway,” Peridot agreed. “I mean, it’s not as though we can count on help defeating the Cluster from a mangy canine-”

“Hey, that's just not nice,” Sam huffed.

“Yeah, Sam hasn't had a mange problem since he switched to that new shampoo!” Max added.

“Or some fuzzy little... Abomination,” Peridot finished.

“Awww, you flatter me,” Max joked. “Just don’t forget... I have the taste of Peridot!!” Peridot squeaked in fear at this.

“Okay...” Steven sighed in defeat. “But can we still go out for pizzas after we solve the case?”

“Can’t think of a reason not to,” Sam smiled.

“SWEEET!” Steven perked up, “I CALL FRONTSIES!!!”

“Awwww!” Max moaned. “I wanted frontsies!”

“Let Steven have the frontsies, Max,” Sam ordered. “We still gotta find a booster seat for the little tyke.”

“But I don’t NEED a booster seat,” Steven protested.

“Sorry, I was talking about the ANGRY GREEN little tyke,” Sam explained, referring to Peridot.

“Hey!” Peridot fumed.

“Oh very well,” Max sighed. “I suppose I’ll just sit in the back with our salty rock friends, keeping them entertained with long gory stories about the various liquids and secretions that manifested out of my orifices over the years.” Max smiled deviously as he pulled Pearl and Amethyst into an uncomfortable embrace.

Amethyst giggled at Max’s weirdness, but Pearl wasn’t so thrilled.

“Be still my nonexistent heart.”

“Ooh! Actually, mind if I drive?” Max asked.

“Not if you don’t mind me clawing at the dash, shrieking like a cheerleader,” Sam smirked, as he and Steven got into the DeSoto. “Let’s roll!”

Pearl pulled Garnet aside while everyone got it.

“Garnet, I understand Steven and Amethyst are having fun, but do you really think we can trust these two?”

“Trust them with helping us find the missing people? Possibly,” Garnet answered. “Trust them with our safety? ...Well probably not, but that’s why we’re armed.” She summoned one of her gauntlets to emphasize her point. She squeezed into the back seat, making room for Pearl.

Pearl felt a little more relieved.

“You’re right. These two are... peculiar, but they ARE somewhat professional detectives. And the dog -er Sam- seems to be on the level-headed side. How bad could a little drive be?”


	4. Chapter 4

“THIS DRIVE WENT BAD SO FAST!!!!” Pearl shrieked and screamed in horror as the DeSoto rocketed down the road at top speed, swerving and skidding along the way.

Sam was, of course, doing the driving with Steven safely secured in the passenger’s seat wearing a helmet -Pearl’s idea. The rest of the gems were crammed in the back; Amethyst sleeping peacefully unaware of the madness of Sam’s driving, Pearl shrieking and screaming in fear and panic, Garnet in the middle being her usual stoic self, and Peridot... Strapped into a car seat for toddlers and looking grumpy. Max, having no room in the backseat for himself, decided to engage in his favorite pastime: surfing on the hood of the DeSoto, leaving only enough room for Sam to see and not kill them all. Pearl leaned her head out in anger.

“Maximillion!! Get back in this car right now, young... Bunny-thing!!”

“Oh climb off it, lady,” Max sassed. “I’ve been highway surfing before those pinheads on the internet made it ‘trendy!’ And, if I might add, doing it better.”

Pearl groaned and turned to her leader. “Garnet, how can you stay so calm?!”

Sure, Garnet LOOKED calm and stoic as usual on the outside, but inside she could feel Ruby and Sapphire clinging to each other in fear, too afraid to let go of each other.

“Actually, I’m terrified,” Garnet plainly said.

Peridot squirmed in her seat, “Remind me again, why am I forced to be confined into this primitive seat designed for INFANT HUMANS?! I cannot even begin to exclaim how demeaning this is to a certified Kindergartener!!”

“Sorry, Miss Kindergartener,” Sam joked. “But it was the only seat we could find that’d support your diminutive state.”

“Plus, you look so CUTE in it!” Steven gushed, Peridot pouted at this. Steven thought of something. “Hey Sam, where are we going?”

“We’re following the trail, Steven!” Sam exclaimed.

“What trail?” Pearl asked frightenedly.

Sam pulled out a map and some documents from a manilla folder. “THIS trail! The Commissioner’s long-distance radar picked up some strange supersonic gobbledygook waves coming from some forsaken patch of abandoned land.”

“Supersonic waves?” Pearl snapped out of her panic and asked. “Do you suppose that has anything to do with-”

“Oh boy. Sam,” Max groaned, interrupting Pearl. “There’s a guy behind us who looks T-O’d!”

“Oh is there?” Sam snarled. “Well I know a thing or two about dealing with irate drivers, little buddy. Who is it?”

“The 2:45 freight train.”

Everyone looked back and, sure enough, there was a freight train coming up right behind the car... Which was barreling down a line of train tracks. Pearl opened her mouth to scream... but no sound came out.

“What is the Pearl doing?” Peridot queried.

“I believe she’s screaming at a frequency only heard by dolphins,” Sam answered. Suddenly, all the windows on the car shattered, causing Max to fall right onto Steven’s lap.

“-And windows apparently,” Max added, causing Steven to giggle.

Garnet finally asked, “How long until we’re there? I’m starting to get claustrophobic.” Pearl was clinging to her for dear life.

“Oh, our exit should be coming up right about.... NOW!”

Sam turned the wheel fiercely, as the DeSoto drove right off the railway tracks... And started free-falling towards a canyon. Everyone screamed -except the sleeping Amethyst and Garnet- as they plunged further and further down. Steven screamed in excitement, Pearl shrieked in fear, Peridot clung to the handlebars on her seat for dear life, and Sam and Max harmonized along with the screams. The car was only a few hundred feet from smashing into the ground, when-

“Ok, I think they’ve had enough, little buddy,” Sam chuckled.

“Alrighty, Sam. AIR BRAKE!!” Max pulled a large lever -which the gems were sure wasn’t there a minute ago- and the car froze in midair. After a few minutes, the car straightened out and landed on the ground with a soft thud. Everything in the car was unharmed; except Pearl was hyperventilating in a paper bag, and Amethyst was stirred from her sleep.

“Hey, what’d I miss?” Amethyst yawned, noticing Pearl hyperventilating. “Aww man, did I miss something funny?”

“Attention, passengers,” Sam announced. “We’ve made our descent into the location of possible nasty-doings!”

Max leaped out the broken window and opened the side doors.

“We know you have a lot of choices for your date with death, so we would like to thank you for flying _‘North by Northwest Airlines’_ ” he commented like a flight attendant.

The moment he opened the door, Pearl toppled out stiff as a board with fear. Steven and Amethyst exited the car normally

“That was so awesome!!!” Steven cheered.

“Man, I wish I didn’t fall asleep,” Amethyst moaned.

Pearl caressed the ground, happy to be back on solid earth. “I may never leave the ground again!! That was most certainly NOT awesome,” She growled.

“It was kind of awesome,” Garnet admitted as she stepped out of the car, revealing to have fitted Peridot in a baby harness on her back.

“Just so you know, I hate you,” Peridot scowled in her harness. “I know,” Garnet smirked.

“Awww, you never carried ME in that thing,” Steven moaned at seeing Peridot in the harness.

“It was more fun carrying you in my arms or on my head,” Garnet smiled. “And I’m not letting this one TOUCH my head.” Peridot just pouted at this.

Sam took a look around. “Well, here we are in a skanky patch of long-forgotten land clearly made for malicious intent of some kind.” The gems finally got a proper look at where they had landed, and they did not like it one bit; for they had landed in-

“THE KINDERGARTEN?!?!” Pearl was fuming, “You mean we came all that way, nearly get trampled by freight trains, just to come HERE again!? We could have just WARPED here! Why didn’t you SAY we were coming to THIS trash heap!?”

“What, and miss all that family bonding?” Max teased, as he booped her on the nose.

Pearl growled and summoned her spear weapon, preparing to thrust it right through the back of Max’s head... But moral conscious won against anger.

“No, Pearl! Bad thoughts lead to BAAAAD consequences,” she muttered to herself as her spear dissolved away.

The group slowly traipsed past the dark gem caverns and deactivated injectors, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious. The five returning visitors felt nothing but dread inside at being forced to come back to THIS place.

“So, THIS is your gemly kindergarten,” Sam queried.

“Yep,” Amethyst answered, bowing her head slightly.

“Ooh, this place is WAY better than the kindergarten of MY youth,” Max admitted. “The teacher gave us sippy cups full of Tabasco sauce and made us watch reruns of ‘Midtown Cowboys.’”

“That wasn’t a kindergarten, Max,” Sam corrected. “That was a retirement home for deranged wolverines.”

“Potato/to-mah-to,” Max shrugged.

“Still, why does this place keep getting worse every time we come here?” Steven sighed sadly.

“Oh I wouldn’t say that,” Sam remarked. “A couple of drapes, maybe a nice shag rug, maybe a pair of golden vaporizing sphinxes over there, and this place could be some fantasy sci-fi fanatic’s paradise.”

“I appreciate the rusty machinery adding to the creepy ambiance,” Max said as he started gnawing on an injector’s legs.

“Max, spit that out,” Garnet ordered. “You don’t WANT to know where it’s been.”

Max reluctantly unhinged his jaw. “Can we take one of these home, Sam?”

“Trust me, Max! You don’t want one of these in... Wherever you’re from!” Pearl squeaked. “They’re horrible machines that fed off the Earth to fill Homeworld’s need for more and more gems!”

Max’s eyes widened in wonder. “Sounds like MY kind of machine.”

“The Pearl exaggerates,” Peridot groaned. “... The injectors were built to imbed gemstones into the Earth’s crust to incubate into more gems... And help contribute to the creation of the Cluster.”

“Like I said, feeding off the Earth,” Pearl glared at the green minigem.

“Thankfully there was one good thing that came out of this mess,” Garnet said, smiling at a certain purple gem.

“And that was AMETHYST!!” Steven hugged the earth-made gem, who blushed awkwardly.

Max stopped in his tracks and faced Amethyst.

“Wait... So you’re saying that you popped out of a hole in the ground after giant foreboding machines planted you in the ground and used you to suck the essential nutrients right out of the Earth like some rocky sponge?”

Amethyst lowered her head in shame. “Yep, kinda.”

She was sure by now Max was probably going to hate her since he now knew about the one thing she hated about herself, but-

Max hopped into Amethyst’s arms and clung to her face.

“And here I thought you were just a pretty face!”

Amethyst didn’t know what to say to this, so she just giggled awkwardly; Steven ‘daaaw’d’ at the display, Pearl looked more than a little creeped out, and Garnet just remained unreadable as ever.

“What... What’s going on?” Peridot asked, oblivious to what was going on.

“Cool it, Max.” Sam intervened. “You don’t even like girls.”

“Oh yeah,” Max remembered as he hopped out of Amethyst’s arms. “Sorry, lady.”

Amethyst felt a bit hurt. “...Bu-but I’m not even a girl!! I’m a rock!” She turned to Sam. “Does he like rocks?”

“Well he does have a certain fascination with bloodstones... Or at least SAYING bloodstone,” Sam shrugged. “But I think you dodged a bullet there, Amethyst. For although I am quite fond of the little knucklehead, Max can never fully commit. His daily activities include busting the skulls of ne’er-do-wells, eating high quantities of unnaturally made snack foods, and harassing innocent bystanders.”

Amethyst’s jaw dropped. “...THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I DO!!!!” She groaned and pouted. “Man! One cool guy I meet in a long time, and he ain’t even interested.”

“Awww,” Steven moaned. “I wanted to be your BridesSteven.”

Amethyst smirked and ruffled Steven’s hair. “You’re a doof, Steven.”

Pearl was becoming impatient, “Um, Sam,” She spoke, clearing her throat. “Is there anyway we could speed up this investigation? Can’t you just... Sniff out the civilians or something?”

Sam shot Pearl a glare, “Now that, madame, is a hurtful stereotype dating back to the days of children being naturally attracted to wells.”

“Oh my,” Pearl’s cheeks gained a blue blush. “I-I’m so sorry, Sam. I just assumed that-”

“Nah, I’m just tugging your limbs there, Pearl.” Sam chuckled. “Actually, my delicate yet somewhat rusty nasal capacities have picked up the tangy odor of suspicious activity; right around... THAT corner!”

Sam pointed to the corner in question, and signaled everyone to stay back. He and Max then dove straight for the edge of the corner and drew their guns.

“Where was the small one keeping that?” Peridot queried.

“That’s none of you business, key lime shrimp,” Max retorted.

Sam tilted his head to signal the rest of the gems up against the wall. They complied -Garnet ‘accidentally’ squishing Peridot against the wall- and waited for instructions.

The gems all summoned their weapons... Except Peridot, who really wished she still had her limb enhancers.

Sam raised his gun. “Alright, troops. On three, we leap in with complete abandon!”

“Finally! Let’s bust up some bad guy scum,” Amethyst cheered silently.

“Alright, ready? One... One and a half-”

“THREE!!” Max interrupted and raced around the corner. The others followed, weapons a-blaze. The gems got into battle stances while the Freelance Police fired their guns willy-nilly in the air.

“Alright, Mister ne’er-do-wells! Consider yourselves pinched,” Sam shouted; but the seven of them got a better look around... And there were no signs of ANY ne’er-do- wells. “Huh, no one’s here.”

“Brilliant deduction there, you fuzzy... Sam you,” Peridot was not amused. “If there WAS anyone here, they were obviously scared off by your inane shooting!!”

“No need to thank us, Dot,” Max teased. “Inane shooting is our forte.”

Peridot growled and squirmed in her harness. “If it weren’t for this confining gemling vessel, I would-”

“Hush,” Garnet silenced the screeching gem and brought her hand to her ear. “Something IS out there; I can almost hear it. If I could just-”

“Guys, look over here,” Steven called out quietly as he looked around the next corner. The gems and detective duo quietly crept up behind Steven and peered where he was looking. None of them were prepared for what they were looking at.


	5. Chapter 5

“Holy heaping helpings of deep-fried tentacle smothered in sulfur sprinkled with diced onions on a Scots pine plank! Look at that!” Sam exclaimed at the sight before them.

Out in the open area, lined up in a straight, unionized line, were the missing civilians of Beach City and everyone close by. Connie, Greg, Lars, Sadie, Sour Cream, Jenny, Mayor Dewey, and every one of Steven’s neighbors and friends. One by one, they marched in a zombie-like fashion into a large hole in the ground.

“Yay! We found everyone,” Steven cheered softly. He then called out. “Dad! Connie!”

“Shh! Steven,” Pearl hushed, covering Steven’s mouth. “They’ll hear you!”

Pearl looked up, but none of the humans seemed to hear them.

“...Or not. Still, what are they all doing here?”

“Who cares?” Amethyst shrugged. “Let’s just bag ‘em and scram!”

“No, wait,” Garnet stopped Amethyst. “... Something’s not right here. Look at the way they’re lined up.”

“I know, so neatly organized like a fresh batch of army ants,” Max noted. “And they appear to be marching into that ominous hole in the ground.”

“Wait a minute, that hole leads to the Kindergarten Control Room!” Peridot gasped. Which means... Those humans are gonna be touching all my logs with their crusty little touch stumps!!!”

“‘Touch stumps?’ Are you talking dirty?” Max asked.

“But why are they all here?” Steven asked. “We’re the only ones who know about this place.”

“Hmmm...” Garnet hummed to herself. “Look closely.”

They all took a closer look at the citizens... And noticed that something WAS off. The people shared the same vacant far-off stare and marched into the hole in the same robotic marching motion.

“Great Davy Crockett’s raccoon-stained dress shields backstroking in tapenade! Garnet’s right! Look at them all,” Sam pointed out. “Their unified and unemotional marching, the glossy almost distant look in his eye like a puppy staring in the sun, or a sweaty fan binge-watching reruns of Saved by the Bell-”

“Oh, my gosh! It’s worse than I thought, Sam! THERE’S A COMIC CON CONVENTION IN THAT HOLE!!!” Max shrieked.

“Even worse, little pal,” Sam said grimly. “They’ve all been hypnotized!”

“Again?!” Max moaned. “I thought we were DONE with hypnotism cases!”

“Hypnotized?” Pearl was surprised. “Could this be the work of a corrupted gem monster? We haven’t dealt with one of those in a while. But what kind of gem monster has hypnotic effects on humans?”

Suddenly, Steven perked up. “Wait, I’m a human... Sort of, and the hypno-gem isn’t getting me!”

“Yes, but you’re also half-gem, Steven,” Pearl reminded. “And it doesn’t seem to affect gems.”

“Still,” Steven continued. “Sam and Max aren’t gems either, and it’s not affecting them!”

“Uh... Maybe it’s because they’re a giant dog and bunny-thing,” Amethyst guessed.

“Or it could be because Sam has an anti-hypnosis helmet built in his hat, and my beautifully sexy brain isn’t compatible with mind control,” Max added.

“That, and I’m pretty sure Max is a mineral,” Sam interjected.

“Soooo... What if three of us,” Steven pointed to Sam, Max, and himself slyly, “pretend to be hypnotized and sneak in? Then, when we figure out what’s down there, four of us,” This time Steven slyly pointed to the gems. “Bust in and beat the bad guy, win the fight, and then we go out for pizza!” Steven wiggled his eyebrows afterward.

“Well, who can argue with a sales pitch like that?” Sam questioned.

Pearl was uncertain. “Are you sure, Steven? I mean, we don’t even know what’s down there... And with THESE two? Really?!”

“Steven can handle this,” Garnet reassured. “And if THESE two want to keep solving crimes, they won’t let anything happen to him. Right?” She glared at the Freelance Police.

“I swear, ma’am,” Sam raised his right hand as though swearing. “I’m as sure nothing will happen to Steven as I’m sure Max’s head is full of loose sprockets and galvanized nails.”

“So THAT’S what that rattling was,” Max pondered.

“See? You can trust them! Besides,” Steven puffed his chest out to look intimidating. “I ain’t afraid of no scary meanie-butts! I’m a... Large man!”

Pearl couldn’t help giggling at Steven’s trying to look tough.

“Oh, alright then. ...But wait,” She remembered something. “How will we know when we have to ‘bust in?’”

“Never fear, Pearl,” Sam reassured, lifting up Steven’s shirt. “For Max and I come with the most sophisticated pieces of technology ever devised by man!”

“These tin cans attached to some twine!” Max produced said can and twine. He then pulled out a large roll of duct tape (Don’t ask him from where), and started taping one of the cans to Steven’s stomach.

“Tin cans and twine?” Pearl couldn’t believe these two. “THIS is the ‘most sophisticated piece of technology?’”

“Sophistication doesn’t come without a budget, lady; and we spent ours on that car sequence,” Max sassed.

“Besides, this is cool,” Steven gushed as he was fitted with the tin can. “I’m like a REAL Freelance Police superspy now!”

“Heh! Lookin’ good, Stee-man,” Amethyst chuckled.

“Oh, THIS is going to end well and NOT in a total disaster,” Peridot rolled her eyes.

“Would you rather go with them,” Garnet asked. Peridot fearfully shook her head. “That’s what I thought. Good luck, boys.” Garnet saluted the Freelance Police and Steven.

The three of them saluted Garnet and dashed towards the hypnotized humans. They waited until Lars, the last one in line, droned into the hole following the others.

“Now remember, little buddies,” Sam whispered. “Just walk like bloodless, emotionless beings, and they’ll never notice us.”

“Will I be expected to prepare anyone’s tax return?” Max joked.

“I’m on it,” Steven declared. He slowly marched after the hypnotized humans, moving his arms and legs in a junky fashion, looking like a marching robot droid.

“Huh, I never thought of doing a Men Without Hats imitation,” Sam commented.

“Kid’s got a sense of humor, I’ll give him that,” Max giggled.

Together, the three of them marched robotically after their hypnotized charges - Steven took a moment to wave at the gems-, determined to get to the bottom of whatever was down there waiting for them.


	6. Chapter 6

“Well here we are following Steven’s entranced neighboring townsfolk through some godforsaken tunnel, no doubt leading to some criminal shenanigans,” Sam recapped as he, Max, and Steven quietly followed the townspeople through the tunnel to the Control Room. Max had chosen to ride on Lars’ shoulders, yanking on his stretched earlobes like he was tugging on the reigns of a horse. Lars didn’t even react.

“Ya, mule! Ya, Mule! Schnell! Schnell!!” Max shouted, kicking into Lars’ shoulders as though mushing him.

“Uh, are you sure you should be doing that, Max?” Steven asked, worried. “I think the townspeople will hear us.”

“I wouldn’t worry, Steven,” Sam reassured. “It appears that their spellbound state has left them completely oblivious to anything and everything around them.”

“Like the time we sat down for that seven hour ‘Young Ones’ marathon,” Max added.

Steven thought of something. “Say Sam, I still don’t get it, why’d you and Max come all the way out here to solve a case? I mean I know you guys have been at stranger places, but still.”

“It’s simple, Steven,” Sam started explaining. “If this mass hypnotizing who-say- what were to bathe your world in its frothy warm glow-”

“Don’t say ‘frothy warm glow!’” Max muttered.

“-It could, in theory, end up pulling the rest of the multiverse into its blasphemous enslavement program; forcing even more beloved television icons to become thoughtless, emotionless beings with no personality!”

“And even worse,” Max continued. “Scores of pasty white fanboys will be forced to discard their TV’s and go out and socialize with normal people!”

“NO!!! NOT THE TV’S!!!” Steven gasped in horror. “You’ve already taken my town, I’M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE THE TV!!! I just finally got it back!”

“Exactly! To safeguard the world’s television, Steven! THAT’S why the heck we’re doing this!!” Sam declared proudly.

“-And because I get to do stuff like this,” Max added as he continued tugging on Lars’ ears. Eventually, he tugged so hard that he fell off Lars’ shoulders. Luckily, Sam was able to catch him by his ears.

“Well that goes without saying,” Sam commented. “Didn’t imagine you’d be spending your day assisting a pair of fatuous law enforcers, eh Steven?”

“Are you kidding? This is awesome,” Steven cheered, stars appearing in his eyes. “I get to solve an actual mystery with two of the best detectives ever! I needed to do something like this after the last few weeks I’ve been having.” He noted that last bit with a very solemn look, which Sam noticed.

“Hmm... My delicate inner sense of adolescent distress tells me that something is troubling our new little buddy, Max.”

“If we cut one of these tubes in the wall, what do you think will happen?” Max asked, clearly not paying attention.

“Later, Max. Later,” Sam answered, turning back to Steven. “So, what seems to be troubling you, Steven?”

Steven hesitated, but he knew he couldn’t keep inside forever. So he took a deep breath-

“Well... We’ve been trying to get ready to fight some big monster in the center of the earth made out of a bunch of gem shards... And we only get one shot or else the whole world’s gonna be torn to bits. Add to it, one of my friends is stuck at the bottom of the ocean fused with some mean gem who thinks I’m my mom... And I guess I kind of am, I still haven’t figured that part out yet. I want to be able to talk to the gems about it, but I still feel like they blame me for my mom not being here... Especially Amethyst and Pearl. They always talk about how awesome she was, and I wish I got to meet her... So I try to be as good as her so they won’t feel sad that she’s not here; but I don’t know how I can be when I’m still figuring out my powers. Also, a couple weeks ago, Garnet and Pearl got into a big fight and stopped talking to each other and I feel like it was my fault... Now I’m worried they’re gonna have another one and I’ll feel like I have to choose sides. I don’t want to choose sides! I love both of them! How can I stop that from happening again!?”

Steven finally breathed out; all the stress he just vented was still there, but getting it out in the open seemed to lift a great weight off his shoulders. He didn’t know how Sam or Max would react, but he was just glad they were there to listen.

Sam and Max couldn’t believe what they just heard. Normally the two just took whatever tense situation life threw at them with stride, and had a big laugh about it later on; but they didn’t know how they could laugh at THIS.

“Gee...” Sam broke the silence. “Remember the old days, Max, when cartoons weren’t as progressive with their mature subtext?”

“Like cottage cheese through a strainer, Sam,” Max answered, he couldn’t resist cracking at least one joke.

Sam turned to the distressed half-gem, “Now look, Steven... I’m sure none of the gems blame you for what happened to your mother, bless her plus-sized cotton candy curls. It’s just that the gems... Well...”

Max cleared his throat. “They have no idea what the heck they’re doing.”

“... Pretty much,” Sam agreed.

“But hey, when you’re out there risking your collective mineral butts for your little half gem/half human child and a whole planet, who has time to go to parenting classes?”

“I guess,” Steven considered. “But I still love them, and I want to be the best gem they want me to be!”

“I don’t think they want you to be your mom... Your fragile skull could never hold those candy pink curls,” Sam quipped, rubbing Steven’s hair affectionately. “All they want is for you to be the best Steven you can be.”

“And to not have your greasy pink hide swimming in the bowels of some monster’s digestive tract,” Max added.

“Yeah, that too,” Sam nodded.

Steven was starting to feel better, “But what about them fighting again?”

“Eh, fights are gonna happen,” Max bluntly said. “Words are gonna be said, plates are gonna be thrown, and people are gonna get the tar reeducated out of them.”

“But they’ll find a way to resolve it once they realize how much they need each other,” Sam finished.. “For example, Max and I got into a big argument a few weeks ago- ”

“I won’t go into details,” Max said, “But it was messy, and awkward, and like something out of a Spanish soap opera!”

“-And I almost walked out on my little buddy,” Sam continued. “But I didn’t. And do you know what?”

“Because you realized that you and Max are best friends and you only do so well together,” Steven asked hopefully.

“Actually it was because I swallowed the keys to the car and we had to wait for nature to take its course,” Max joked.

“BUUUT that friendship message came creeping up on us eventually,” Sam reassured. “And it’ll creep up on the gems next time they get at each other’s throats. So I wouldn’t get my star shirt wrinkled over it just yet.”

Steven smiled, all his worries seemed forgotten. “Thanks, you guys ...And you’re right! I’m not gonna let a few... Bunch of personal issues wipe out my Steven-ness! We’ve got a Beach City to save!” Steven puffed out his chest and marched forward, more determined than ever to save his friends and dad.

“Say, you think we should tell him that the gems probably heard everything through the wire?” Max whispered to Sam.

“Nah,” Sam whispered back. “It’s better if they work it out among themselves than for us to interfere with the continuity flow... More than we already have.”

“Good point, Sam.” Max sighed. “I think flagrantly disregarding domestic issues for a young child is the start of a newer, more responsible Freelance Police.”

“You crack me up, little buddy,” Sam chuckled as the two followed Steven.

Neither one of them knew that right outside the cavern were three very shocked and dismayed Crystal Gems... Unable to believe what their Steven’s holding out on them, and more than a little ashamed of themselves. Everything that was said flew over Peridot’s head, but she was sure they’d explain everything to her later.


	7. Chapter 7

After a couple of minutes, the trio noticed that the hypnotized citizens had stopped marching. Now they were neatly lined up in two straight lines, like soldiers waiting to receive orders, in the large and ominous hexagon-shaped room.

“Ooooh, science-fictiony geometry! Where are we, Sam?” Max asked.

“Hmmm, in a high-tech geometrically-shaped command center of sorts. No doubt the work of alien lifeforms who’ve played too many Star Fox games,” Sam guessed.

“This is the Kindergarten Control Room,” Steven explained, waving his hands in front of the entranced Connie and Greg. “This is where Peridot keeps all her logs... And where she checked on those creepy fusion experiments.”

“Fascinating,” Sam looked around. “Curious, what kind of criminal sci-fi fanatic would hijack a gem origin control center and kidnap two A-list humans and a bunch of B and C-list neighbors?”

“That would be MY doing.”

A low and slippery voice answered from nowhere, echoing throughout the cavern. Sam, Max, and Steven jumped a little and looked around, searching for the source of the voice. Suddenly, a large slab rumbled and moved, opening up and revealing a secret room, small and concealed in shadow. A tiny silhouette was the only thing seen in the shadows; it stepped out of the opening and into the light. Steven’s jaw dropped when he saw who the silhouette belonged to-

“Onion?! YOU’RE the evil guy who kidnapped everyone!?

Sure enough, out of the shadows stood the small, creepy, onion-headed child, Onion. He didn’t respond; he just stared back with those cold, creepy eyes that seemed to stare deep into Steven’s very soul every time the two of them met. It was true that the little mime didn’t always show the best behavior -stealing from the arcade and Steven’s house for no reason and making Steven watch his birth video-but no one would ever expect Onion to resort to kidnapping.

“Not exactly,” The voice spoke again... But it didn’t come from Onion. “But I see you’re familiar with my newest pawn, Crystal Gem.”

Onion stepped aside, revealing a larger, more menacing looking silhouette hidden in the shadows. The silhouette advanced forward slowly and creepily towards the light. What emerged from the darkness made Steven’s jaw drop: A seemingly human man in a suit sitting in a hovering chair. However, what was most surprising of all... The man had no head; instead there was a fishbowl with a menacing-looking fish swimming in it!

“We meet again, Freelance Police,” The fish greeted, menacingly.

“Well what do you know?” Sam said in surprise. “If it isn’t me and Max’s slippery old friend and arch-nemesis, Mack Salmon!”

Steven couldn’t believe his eyes. “Whoa! Mack Salmon in person! ...Wait, how exactly did he get that way, Sam?”

“Beats me,” Sam shrugged. “Some sort of boating mishap.”

Max -showing no respect for personal space- leaped onto Mack’s bowl and stuck his finger in the water. “How often do you clean this water?”

“What’s this fake body made of? Melmak?” Sam tapped onto Mack’s fake body.

Steven hopped up onto Mack’s fake lap. “Are you really talking, or is there someone back there who’s a ventriloquist?”

“Your casual indifference and childish inquiries cannot save you this time!” An irritated Mack Salmon barked. “All three of you are my prisoners!

“At long last, Sam & Max, you will pay for your part in causing my... CONDITION!!” Mack spoke that last word with venom in his voice.

“Not that we have even the foggiest recollection of whatever it is you’re talking about,” Sam dismissed. “But would it make it all better if we said we’re sorry?”

“Coochy-coochy-cooo!” Max tried to grab Mack from within his bowl. Mack swam around trying to avoid Max’s fuzzy white butterfingers.

“Stop that! Stop that! Universe! Dewey!”

At Mack’s command, Greg and Mayor Dewey grabbed Max by the ankles and yanked him off of the fishbowl. Max squirmed in their grip, until the hypnotized adults dropped Max to the floor.

“W-wait!” Steven remembered something. “If you’re one of Sam & Max’s enemies... How’d you get all the way here?”

“That, my young gem, is yet another calamity caused by these two insufferable ignoramuses,” Mack explained.

“Wow, I can’t remember the last time I’ve been called an ignoramus!” Max smirked. “...Wait a sec, was this when we locked you into that science fair rocket, stuffed the muffler with lit match heads, and blasted you out of the atmosphere?”

“I don’t have to answer the likes of you! ... But maybe,” Mack admitted. “I crashlanded into your muggy little city, and convinced young Onion here to be my escort to this... Fascinating little lab.”

“Huh? How’d Onion know about this place?” Steven asked.

“You’d be surprised at what your young friend here knows,” Mack answered. “It is unfortunate that you will not live long enough to see how his involvement will help my newest scheme come to fruition.”

“Aww, come on! Show us,” Sam begged.

“We won’t tell,” Max promised.

“Please? We wanna know,” Steven whined.

“Well... Alright then,” Mack agreed. “Behold! The bounty of my genius!!” “He’s a FANCY talker,” Max whispered to Steven.

Mack Salmon scooted his fake body out of the way, clearing the entrance to the shadowy room again. Just then, a series of small stomping sounds echoed from the shadows, and marching into the light THIS time was a small army of robotic droids, all looking almost exactly like Mack... Only with actual working legs.

“Feast your primitive minds on my creations... The Salmonacra!” Mack declared proudly.

“Salmonacra?” Steven queried.

“I think I prefer ‘Fishsimiles,'” Max joked, causing Steven to giggle.

“So the bounty of your genius adds up to a bunch of robotic copies? Not exactly HAL material there, Salmon,” Sam scolded, more than a little disappointed at Mack Salmon’s obvious plan.

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” Mack smirked. “But these are no mere robotic copies... They are fully operational service droids!”

“Service droids?” Steven asked. “You mean like the ones in that movie-”

“Shhh, Steven,” Sam covered Steven’s mouth. “We don’t TALK about that movie, Steven... Too many untasteful memories. You were saying, Mr. Evil Scientist Fish?”

Mack rolled his eyes, but continued. “Anyways, these droids are capable of any menial task or trivial wish at the owner’s desire. If you want a five-course dinner, done in 10 minutes; if you want to go out for a walk, it will act as your legs; if you need to blink, it will blink for you!”

“You mean these robots are capable of performing even the most tedious tasks that society’s become too lazy to do on their own?” Sam asked.

“Our prayers! They’ve been answered!” Max cheered.

“Wait, why would you make a bunch of robots do stuff like that?” Steven asked.

“To corner the market in robotic servants for the holiday season. Foolish knaves across the planet, nay, across the universe will pay by the thousands for their very service drone!”

“But if these robots can do EVERYTHING,” Steven was starting to get nervous. “How can people do anything for themselves?”

“They can’t.” Mack Salmon grinned. “They will grow lazier, complacent, dependent on the droids! Then, with no resistance left in their chubby little carcasses, they will be forced to accept Mack Salmon as their rightful ruler!”

“And the citizens of Beach City are your zombie workforce building the droids!” Sam finished.

“Fascinating! Convoluted! Diabolic!” Max praised. “But how?”

“See for yourselves.”

Mack directed their attention to the wall on the other side. Like the wall he and Onion came from, this wall rumbled and moved as well, revealing another secret room. However, standing at the entrance of THIS room was a large monstrous anglerfish standing on two muscular legs with a large blue glowing orb at the end of its lure, gnashing its hideous razor-like teeth and staring at its three possible victims with its cold cruel eyes.

“Oooh! He’s a keeper,” Max marveled.

“I hear the really big ones are up in Canada,” Sam joked.

“Wait a minute...” Steven looked closer. “That blue orb thingy... That’s a gem monster!!”

“Correct! The creature you see before you is the result of the experimentation of a blue saltwater pearl from my collection... Turns out the gems of OUR universe do not operate under the same logic as the gems of THIS universe. Because he has no significance unless he is on THIS world, I call him MCGUFFINITE!!” Mack declared proudly about his creation. “He is the keystone to my entire operation! It is he who acts as my hands; breaking into the houses of the addresses young Onion gives to me and bathing each citizen in his gem’s bewitching glow, transforming them into my tireless drones!”

Steven gasped in horror. “Onion gave you all their addresses!? Even his own mom’s!?”

“Indeed... Unfortunately, Vidalia was out of town at the time of the harvesting. Also, for some reason, Onion did not give me YOUR address, Steven. Perhaps he wished you to be spared of the harvesting.” Mack turned to Onion, “Regardless, our alliance must come to an end. Here is your reward, Onion.”

The McGuffinite monster lumbered over to Onion, and presented him with an industrial bag of Maximum BBQ Chaaaaps. Onion clung to the bag and made a dash for the tunnel leading back outside. Steven, Sam, and Max just watched him leave with their jaws dropped.

“A bag of Chaaaps? He bargains the free will of his fellow neighbors for a bag of Chaaaps?” Sam queried.

“I think I might like that kid,” Max smiled.

“Nooo! Onion, how could you!? This is horrible!!” Steven cried.

“Why, because he can gamble with the lives of everyone around him without a second glance?” Sam asked.

“No, because I KNOW he won’t eat the Chaaaps! He NEVER eats the Chaaaps!! WHY DOES ONION HATE FOOD!?!?” Steven wailed to the sky.

“Enough,” Mack groaned. “The time has come for you three to join those you’ve come to save in a lifetime of servitude to Mack Salmon!”

“Over my cracked gem!!”

The three detectives, Mack, and McGuffinite turned their heads towards the tunnel exit; and standing at the mouth of the entrance were the Gems, posed and ready for a possible battle. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl had their weapons drawn, and Peridot had a large pointed stick.

“Explain to me how this ‘stick’ you gave me is supposed to suffice as a weapon,” Peridot questioned.

“It’s not,” Amethyst snickered. “But it’s a LOT of fun to poke guys with it!”

Pearl raised her spear. “You won’t be forcing our Steven to serve anyone, you twisted.... Fish?” She took one look at Mack Salmon and groaned in frustration. “You know what... Should I even ask at this point?”

“Either way,” Garnet continued. “Release all the hostages and shut down your sick operation!”

“And more importantly,” Peridot added. “Get your aquatic touch stumps out of the CONTROL ROOM!! It’s the ONLY access to my logs I have left since some certain CLODS threw out my limb enhancers!!”

Amethyst smiled mischievously, a halo practically appearing over her head.

“You’re in no position to be making demands, Crystal Gems,” Mack retorted. “Especially since I’M the one with the army of hypnotized worker drones, my Salmonacra-”

“Fishsimiles,” Max muttered.

“-AND the mesmerizing power of the McGuffinite!”

“That may be,” Garnet replied. “But we have an Amethyst with a bottomless stomach.”

“And I gots a craving for SUSHI!” Amethyst snarled, showing her teeth.

Mack flinched, but recovered. “Is that so? Well, let us see you back up your infantile threats once you fall at the mercy of my monster!! McGuffinite! Illuminate them to a life of servitude! Obey!!”

The McGuffinite monster roared loudly as its gem began to glow a bright cobalt glow. The glow grew brighter and brighter until the whole room was bathed in a blue glow of spellbinding light! Mack Salmon smirked in triumph as his seven foes became engulfed in the blinding light, most likely ready to join his army of worker slaves unable to stop his diabolical plan!


	8. Chapter 8

It was a few seconds before the blindingly hypnotizing light finally faded away, and the seven intruders and diabolical fish had regained their sight. Mack Salmon stared in eagerness at his old foes, and the four and a half gems, to see if his creation’s hypnotizing light had some sort of effect on them.

“Well?” Mack finally asked. “How do you feel?”

The air stood still with tension as he awaited the response of his hopeful new thralls. However, he was met with his response as the seven of them drew their weapons -and Peridot drew her stick- and glared down the Salmon Prince of Crime.

“Now I’m gettin’ hungry for fish sticks!” Amethyst licked her lips hungrily as she prepared her whip.

“I take my fish tenderized and hollering like a sick wildebeest for mercy... Like my men,” Max grinned.

Mack’s jaw dropped. “What?! That’s impossible!! No one can resist the enthralling power of McGuffinite!!” He glared at the gems. “You Crystal Gems must be immune to its power!” His glare turned towards a certain dog and rabbity-thing. “And you two... Well science can’t explain what it is with YOU two!”

“So says the talking fish in the mechanical suit,” Pearl added with a smirk.

Finally, Mack turned to Steven. “But what about HIM? He IS human, after all!”

“NOT correct!” Steven exclaimed. “I’m only HALF human! The rest of me is half-gem, and AAAALLLLL Steven! And this little Steven-y package isn’t gonna let some meanie-butt fish take his friends away!” Steven puffed his chest out again, holding tightly to his shield.

“Oooooh! Shut down by the Ste-squad!” Amethyst cheered.

But rather than grimace in defeat, Mack only smirked. “Half human, eh? Very well then... Steven, slap yourself!”

“Wait, what?” Steven looked puzzled. “Why would I slap myself? I’m not gonna slap my-”

**THWACK!!!**

Before he could finish his protest, Steven found himself slapping himself in the face! “Ow! I slapped myself in the face!”

“Steven! Why did you do that,” Pearl asked, concerned.

“I... I don’t know. It’s like the minute he ordered me to do that, my hand just acted on its own!” Steven was starting to get scared.

“And that’s only the beginning,” Mack’s smirk grew larger. “Steven, attack yourself!”

Before Steven could protest, his hands started to move on their own again. They slapped his face, they pulled his hair, they even punched him in his own stomach. The gems, Sam, and Max watched in horror as their Steven faced off against his assailant... His own two hands!

“Steven! Stop hurting yourself!” Garnet pleaded. She HATED watching her cutie pie harm himself.

“I can’t!” Steven wailed. “I can’t stop myself! Why am I doing this to me?! After all we’ve been through! I thought me and I had a special bond! OW!”

“What did you do to him?!” Pearl shouted at the smirking fish.

“What you’re witnessing is the effect of my McGuffinite’s hypnotic trance.” Mack gloated. “While it would appear that gems -and those two bumbling incompetents- are immune to its enthralling glow-”

Peridot gasped. “But Steven’s a human/gem hybrid! So... That means his brain is still functional, but he’s-”

“Trapped in his own body by some aquatic purloiner of the people’s free will,” Sam finished. “Terrifying. Poetic... In a Scalzi science-fictiony kind of way.”

“You just like saying ‘purloiner,’ don’t you?” Max asked.

“...Yeah, so?”

“And that’s not all I can do,” the malicious grin on Mack’s lips grew wider. “Steven!” Steven suddenly stopped his assault on himself, much to his -and the gem’s- relief. But Mack wasn’t finished, “ _All the cops in the donut shop say-_ ”

“ _Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh_ ,” Steven suddenly blurted out. He covered his mouth, not having any idea where that came from, while Mack just cackled evilly.

“THAT’S IT!” Max growled angrily, “Nobody forces kids to quote ‘Walk Like an Egyptian’ in front of ME and lives!!” He and Sam pulled out their guns and pointed them at Mack Salmon’s bowl, the gems held their ground with their own weapons.

“Leave our Steven alone!” Pearl demanded. “If you hurt him, I swear I’ll-”

“You’re in no position to be making demands to me, madame!” Mack hissed. “If either one of you try to bring any harm to me... I’ll force Steven to turn his shield on his neighbors!!”

“You’ll make me say wha-?!” Steven asked nervously, already feeling his arm raise his shield like a Greek throwing disc.

“Uh... W-wait! You can’t make him do that,” Amethyst hastily protested. “You make him waste them, then who’s gonna build your stupid robots?”

“Hmm, excellent point,” Mack considered... Then smirked again. “However, nothing says I can’t make the lad turn his shield on HIMSELF!!!”

The gems gasped in horror.

“Holy cripes on burnt toast soaked in kerosene! A loophole!” Sam exclaimed in alarm.

Steven started to sweat. “Uh... Can I have a say in this?”

“No. Now raise your shield to your throat!” Mack commanded.

Steven had no choice but to do so as he said... And raised the shield near his throat. The almost-metallic magical shield was mere inches away from Steven’s soft, vulnerable throat... And nobody dared to breathe.

“P-please, Mr. Fish... Salmon creature,” Pearl plead, shaking in fright. “Don’t do anything hasty.”

“I won’t if you won’t,” Mack sneered. “If any of you try to harm me... Well, I hope young Steven wasn’t too attached to his head!”

“But I like this head,” Steven whined.

“Oh what delicious irony!” Mack Salmon cackled again. “He’s an assassin, AND a hostage rolled into one slightly portly package!”

“Portly?!” Steven pouted. “Wait, what does ‘portly’ mean?”

Max scowled at Mack. “So, not only is he a B-list villain with a Hannibal Lecter personae, but he’s a bully, too!”

“Well that just tears it!” Sam growled. “We Freelance Police really draw the line at bad eggs toying with our nation’s youth!”

“And our minerals! ... And our half mineral/half youths, or... Something!” Max added.

“Will you two blithering nitwits just SHUT UP!?” Mack groaned. “Oooh, why can you not just perish already!? You’d be better off fading off into obscurity where you belong! The world would be better off without Sam & Max!!!”

Sam’s ears fell flat against his head in sadness as a pained expression painted his face.

“Gee, and here I thought our monthly runarounds were meaningful.”

Max looked unusually pained as well. “Wow... I didn’t think I still had any feelings, but there they are.”

Steven’s jaw dropped in shock at what he had heard.

“Better off without Sam & Max!?”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back; it was one thing to threaten him... But NOBODY insulted his family OR his friends! He grunted as he turned his head towards Mack.

“Now you listen here, Fish...face-”

“Uh-uh-uh,” Mack warned. “I’d choose my next words carefully if I were-”

 **“Just SHUT UP and let me say something!”** Steven yelled.. Everyone, including Mack, was taken aback by Steven raising his voice like that. Nevertheless, Mack complied and let Steven continue.

“Look, it was really, REALLY weird that Sam & Max showed up today! We never met anyone like them-”

Amethyst pondered “Wait, what about that one weird old guy who-” Pearl elbowed Amethyst to keep her quiet while Steven continued.

“-But that doesn’t mean we’re better off without them! We need more guys like Sam & Max. We need more tall chubby dog guys and short rabbity-things that aren’t afraid to have fun and act crazy when on a mission. Sure they’re really weird, but I bet out there, in that ‘multiverse’ they told us about, there’s a bunch of guys who think WE’RE weird too!”

“Us weird?” Amethyst scoffed.. “Pssh. Yeah right! Can you imagine?” Garnet and Pearl just looked at each other awkwardly.

“Wow,” A perplexed Peridot said. “Steven must really care for those two.”

“Steven cares about A LOT of people... That’s why he’s so great.” Garnet added, a tiny smile appearing on her lips.

“Gee, Sam,” Max sniffled. “I think I’ve got something in my eye.”

“Well don’t pick at it, Max.” Sam warned, “It’s too hard to get back in the socket.”

Steven smiled proudly that the gems and the Freelance Police were listening to him... But he glanced over at Mack and saw that the devious fish was getting bored. Steven had to think fast; one false move and Mack Salmon would force him to turn his shield on his own neck! He looked around the control room to try and find something that could give him an idea; he looked at the line of zombie workers, he looked at the McGuffinite monster, he looked at the fish droids, and finally, he glanced between the gems and Sam and Max.

Then, inspiration struck! He shifted his gaze between Garnet, Sam, and Max; the wheels turned in his head slowly. Finally, a big dopey smile graced Steven’s face as an idea popped into his head. He turned to Mack.

“Say, Mack... I’ve got a deal for you!”

“What kind of a deal?” Mack asked, suspicious yet intrigued.

“What if I volunteer to be one of your robot-making zombie guys on my own?” Steven offered, with a smirk.

“Steven!!” Pearl gasped. “You cannot be serious!!”

“Hmmm... Submit to my will voluntarily?” Mack pondered. “Not as deliciously ironic, but still refreshing. But what do you desire in exchange?”

“In exchange for... Me getting to dance with Sam or Max?”

“Ah, it would appear that inside Steven lies a beaconing light of a dancer to... wait, wha?” Sam double-checked on what Steven had just said.

“Dancing? You wish to dance with those two incompetent ignoramuses?! You’re about to join a lifetime of servitude to Mack Salmon, and your last request is to dance with-”

“STEVEN DANCE WITH POLICE!!!” Steven demanded loudly.

“Fine!” Mack groaned. “If you wish... Release your shield and... Dance with Sam or Max.”

At Mack’s command, Steven finally regained control of his arms and lowered his shield away from his throat. Everyone let out a huge sigh of relief.

“Thank goodness!” Pearl exclaimed.

“Very deceptive work, Steven.” Peridot commended. “So, what is the catch of this ‘dancing’ trick?”

Steven raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What catch? I said I wanted to dance with Sam or Max, and I’m gonna!”

“You were serious?” Pearl asked, turning to Garnet. “Garnet, can you believe that he’d-”

“Shhh.” Garnet shushed Pearl. “I say... Let Steven dance.” Underneath her shades, she shot Steven a knowing wink, which Steven returned with a smile.

“Should I get the car started since the gems must’ve cracked or something?” Max asked Sam.

“Hold that thought, Max.” Sam said. “Obviously Steven and the gems know something about this dancing gobbledygook that we don’t.”

“Will there be wanton destruction involved?” Max asked hopefully.

“We can only hope, little buddy. But which of us will give disregard to our self-respect and join Steven in shaking our body lines?”

“I’ve seen your body line shake, Sam...” Max shivered. “I think Steven’s too young to have his tortured eyes scooped out with a spork.”

“Okay, fair enough,” Sam shrugged. “Max will dance with you, Steven!”

“YAY!” Steven cheered. He got into an awkward dancer pose and held out his hand. “How about it, Max? Will you join me with a dance?”

“Oh alright,” Max rolled his eyes. “But keep your hands where I can see them, and don’t touch my adorable fuzzy butt!”

“Double swearsies on no butt-touching!” Steven promised.

Max smirked. “You ever dance with a lagomorph in the pale cavern light?”

“Uh... No?”

“Then let’s pray!” Max clapped his paws together, preparing to make the first move.

Suddenly, as though the music was playing from nowhere, a fast paced spanish rhythm bounced its way into Steven and Max’s systems. It was slow at first, Steven bouncing at his legs and Max shaking his cottontail’d booty; but it started to pick up. Steven’s dance moves were clumsy, but he kept in rhythm as he gyrated and shook his body fiercely to the tune only he and Max could hear. Max’s legs wildly kicked and waved about, moving as unpredictably as his personality... At one point, just to show off, he started moonwalking on his ears -Sam covered Amethyst’s eyes at this.

Finally, Max and Steven’s hands conjoined and they pulled each other close, looking outwards as an intense look painted both of their faces as they stepped forward, matching each other step for step. As they separated, Steven spun around Max multiple times until Max tossed Steven into the air. Steven spun in the air multiple times while Max yawned and checked his watch... Where he was keeping that watch is none of the others’ business; finally, Max held his arms out as Steven plummeted back towards the ground, landing safely in the lagomorph’s arms.

What happened next, no one could still believe... Except for a certain perma-fusion. The minute Steven was caught by Max, the two of them were enveloped in a piercing white glow. The two white glowing blobs were brought closer together into one giant glowing shape... The shape grew taller and taller until it was only a hair taller than Garnet.

“You fools... what have you done!?” Mack Salmon screamed, alarmed.


	9. Chapter 9

Once again, the piercing light from the glowing Steven and Max faded... But Steven and Max were gone! Instead, in their place, stood what looked like a gigantic bunny creature with four arms, a forest of curly brown hair covering its eyes, two large floppy ears, a hideously large grinning smile with razor-sharp teeth, a tattered old top resembling Steven’s shirt with matching tattered blue shorts, and an unforgettable pink gem sticking out of the creature’s navel. When the light and the dust cleared, the creature bellowed out a horrendous roar that shook the chamber to its very core.

Peridot squeaked and hid behind Amethyst. “What is that monstrosity?! What happened to Steven?!”

“He... Fused; with MAX?!” Pearl asked... Still trying to soak in what had just happened.

Amethyst could only chuckle in amusement. “Lookin’ good, Steven... Max... Stevax!”

The monstrous fusion, now known as Stevax, turned its head towards Sam and the gems and snarled slightly.

“Uh oh,” Sam took note of the fusion’s snarl. “Be ready, gems. Like most domestic house pets left to their own devices for several months, our amalgamated chums here may not recognize us as anything more than potential hostiles... Or dinner.”

“What?! But Steven would NEVER try to harm us,” Pearl argued.

“I wasn’t concerned about the STEVEN half,” Sam corrected.

Pearl’s mouth wired shut when she remembered... Steven was fused with MAX!! She only knew Max for a few hours.... And she already knew that the bunny-thing was a sociopathic killing machine... and now that killing machine was a part of her Steven!!

Stevax glared at the five of them for a while; until, finally, it lifted the hair out of its face to reveal two sets of eyes -one set more human while the other was more lagomorphic and full of unhinged rage. However, as soon as Stevax’s eyes focused on its five friends, they widened and filled with familiar stars.

**“SAAAAM! GEEEEMS!!”**

The lumbering fusion’s oversized mouth turned into an oversized grin as it wrapped its four arms around the five of them and pulled them into a back-breaking, yet tender, embrace.

“Or, the Steven-y part of him will remember how much he loves us,” Garnet smiled knowingly, causing the others to relax a little.

“Or the Max part of him remembered that I’m the only one who knows how to operate the toaster oven,”Sam joked. Though, secretly, he was relieved his little buddy was still in there.

Stevax’s massive jaw opened again. This time, a muscular tongue popped out of its mouth; at the end of the tongue was what looked like a miniature Max head. The Max headed tongue lunged at Peridot and clamped onto her head.

“And it looks like the Max in this monstrosity remembers how much he ADORES me.” Peridot groaned.

“Enough! Are you telling me that this monstrosity is some sort of hybrid of Steven and Max?!” Mack demanded to know.

“Why yes actually,” Pearl answered. “It’s actually quite fascinating. Non-gems cannot normally fuse with gems, but Steven is...”

“I care not for your insipid gemology!” Mack interrupted. “If it is indeed a melding of my newest pawn and one half of my most wretched enemies...” A smirk painted the devious fish’s lips again. “Then it can only mean that I can now be the master of both!! Stevax! Attack the gems! Obey!”

At the call of the wicked fish, Stevax released its friends from its grip, turned towards said fish, and growled lowly.

“What is this? I am your superior master, and you WILL obey me!” Mack barked, but Stevax didn’t respond. Mack was getting more and more angry. “Now listen here, you blithering joke of nature! I at least had half control of one of your creators... That means you belong to me! Now I order you to...”

Mack never got to finish that order; because before his ranting commands could continue, Stevax leaped at him and grabbed the leg of his fake body suit and waved him viciously around like a rag doll, slamming him into the ground repeatedly, and finally chucking him into the wall. As his fake body laid wedged into the wall, his fishbowl came loose and fell to the ground with a thunk.

 _ **“Bully fish!”**_ Stevax grunted mockingly.

The gems and Sam’s jaws all dropped at the vicious pummeling that the new fusion had just delivered to their aquatic foe... Until Amethyst broke the silence.

“WOOOOT! AW YEAH! WAY TO GO, STEVAX!!!!”

“Buh... Buh... But how!?” Peridot queried. “Even with that... Max acting as his fusion collaborator, the fusion should still have some form of humanity in its being!”

“Maybe,” Sam said. “But not only is Mack Salmon a B-list villain, and a bully, but he also won’t be getting a degree in math anytime soon. Because combining our young, half- impressionable Steven with Max’s overzealous and hyperkinetic personality has turned them both into one vicious, uncontrollable, overprotective killing machine!”

“Kinda gets you misty-eyed, don’t it?” Amethyst spoke, wiping her eyes.

Pearl flashed a grim smile at a certain fish. “Well then, since Steven is no longer under threat of attacking himself-”

“Alright, let’s make fish sticks out of this creep,” Garnet summoned her gauntlets, ready to pound the tartar sauce out of Mack.

Mack panicked. “Uh... Droids! Defend!”

At his command, his small army of droids stepped between him and the gems like a barrier.

“Oye vey, THESE stupid things?” Amethyst groaned. “Can these walking toasters even fight?”

Mack’s eyes widened. “...Oh, blast! I never designed a combat feature!!”

“And THAT’S why robotic duplicates will always be a disappointment: Because no maniacal sociopath with a convoluted plan ever gets them right,” Sam shook his head in disappointment.

Mack growled... But then suddenly remembered. “My Salmonacra-”

 _ **“Fishsimiles!”**_ Stevax grunted.

“-May not be able to attack... But I know what can! McGuffinite! Attack the Stevax!”

Hearing the call of his master, the McGuffinite monster pulled one of its muscular legs back and delivered a swift kick to Stevax’s bottom. The force of the kick was so mighty, it sent the fusion straight through the ceiling, and forced it back above ground. McGuffinite squatted down and leaped upwards following its fused enemy.

“Steven!!” The gems yelled in fright.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them. To be honest, I’m more worried about what will happen to the McGuffinite,” Sam reassured. “In the meantime, what say we turn these Iron Legion flunkies into decorative panini presses?”

Sam pulled out his gun and started shooting at three of the droids. The gems, though still clearly worried about Steven, decided that the canine shamus may be right. The CRYSTAL gems summoned their weapons and leaped at the droids, delivering their own unique style of beating on the glorified toasters. Peridot just feebly swung her stick at one of the droids, knocking its head off. She smirked with pride at her defeating these cloddy creations.

Back above ground, Stevax finally flew out of the ground and thrashed right into one of the rocky canyon walls of the Kindergarten. Stevax grunted in pain as it stood wedged into the stone walls before the mighty fusion finally collapsed onto the ground. Stevax didn’t have time to catch its breath though, as the McGuffinite monster leaped out of the new hole in the ground, landing on its well-toned legs with ease. It stomped menacingly a few times, as though it was challenging Stevax to come at it some more.

Stevax accepted the challenge as it pounced to the angler beast’s feet, grabbing hold of one of its legs. Then, with newfound strength, Stevax lifted McGuffinite into the air, and started spinning around and around holding the fishy monstrosity by its ankle. After several cycles, Stevax released the monster’s ankle, sending it flying and smashing into the rocky enclosure. The McGuffinite collapsed to the ground, but picked itself up with its massive legs as though nothing happened.

The fusion didn’t like that one bit. It raised its paws as its rose quartz gem glowed a piercing pink; in one hand appeared Steven’s shield, in the other appeared Max’s luger pistol. Stevax quickly brought both together, and in their place was a dark purple tommy gun with a bright pink magazine. Grabbing onto both handles, Stevax wasted no time firing a series of laser bullets at the McGuffinite; and the fish beast wasted no time jogging away, trying with all its foot power to avoid the oncoming fire. Stevax fired aimlessly at the fish, guaranteed to take the beast out with at least one shot... That is, until-

The bullets stopped coming! Stevax clicked the trigger on the gun, but nothing came. Stevax could feel the Max inside groaning in disappointment... Max NEVER ran out of bullets, or at least he liked to think he didn’t.

The McGuffinite beast sneered at Stevax’s misfortune and opened its wide toothy mouth. After belching out a frightening roar, a pink tentacle appendage shot out of its mouth and wrapped around Stevax’s legs. The appendage snapped back, bringing the fusion close to the beast’s mouth. The appendage squeezed hard, threatening to poof the bizarre creature; the McGuffinite grinned and showed its razor-sharp teeth. Before it could bring Stevax to it’s gnawing demise-

“Freeze, Lophius!”

The angler stopped in place when it heard that. He looked over to where the voice came from, and saw Sam holding a flailing Mack Salmon over Amethyst’s mouth -Amethyst had morphed her head to look like a crocodile- while simultaneously holding said fish at gunpoint.

“Drop the bunny/boy fusion doohickey, or the mastermind gets it!” Sam barked.

“Do what he says,” Mack begged in agony. “I think he means it!!!”

The McGuffinite moaned in disappointment, it was looking forward to its new fuzzy dinner.

“Come on now. Don’t make me come in there!” Sam scolded.

The beast’s eyes widened in fear, anything but old dog!! It hastily whipped its tentacle tongue away, sending Stevax into the ground, and hastily shut its mouth.

“‘Attaboy,” Sam commented, tossing Mack Salmon away. “Now why don’t you just go home, fix yourself a nice bowl of lacerated crustaceans, maybe find yourself a nice FEMALE McGuffinite you can cling to for sustenance, or even-”

But before Sam could finish his rambling, Pearl and Garnet leaped out of the hole -Peridot back in Garnet’s harness- towards the gem monster. Pearl swung her spear and made a clear slice through its lure attachment, effectively severing the beast from its gem. The McGuffinite grunted in pain, its monstrous form wiggling and vibrating; until finally, the titanous fish exploded in a cloud of dust, leaving only its lone blue saltwater gem. Garnet scooted close to the poofed gem, and quickly bubbled it, sending it back to the temple hopefully forever more.

“-Or that’s also an option,” Sam finished. “Way to deliver the final striking blow to a felonious flounder’s malfeasance, Pearl.”

“Oh, thank you, Sam,” Pearl blushed. She then noticed Mack flopping around angrily. “Uh, what do we do about him? I mean, we can’t just let him dry out, can we?”

“I wouldn’t worry about Mack Salmon, Pearl,” Sam answered. “If the crushing blow of knowing that whatever vague life he previously had before his descent into fishhood is gone hasn’t destroyed him by now, nothing will. That, and I’m pretty sure he’s part mudskipper.”

The gems had no idea what to say to that. Before anyone of them could question Sam’s somewhat cynical choice of words, a pair of familiar groans were heard from the cavern entrance. Everyone looked to the cavern entrance just in time to see Connie and Greg exiting the cavern, snapped out of their trance and back to reality.

“Ooooh man,” Greg moaned. “What happened last night? Anyone get the number for that van that hit the back of my head?”

“Yeah, it feels like someone’s been practicing the violin with my head,” Connie agreed. She then noticed the gems. “Gems? Wha... What’s going on? Where are we? Wait! Where’s Steven?”

“And is that Sam from those old comics I used to have!?” Greg asked in shock.

“Well, to answer your first question,” Peridot pointed to Stevax. “That unconscious abomination of all things good and plenty over there is Steven... In some form or other.”

Sam scowled at Peridot. “Hey! That unconscious abomination of all things good and plenty is also my little buddy!”

“Wha?!” Greg’s jaw dropped. “What the heck happened to my Shtoo-ball!?”

“Greg. Calm down. Steven’s fine,” Pearl reassured. “But he may have fused with a demonic bunny-like thing to take on a monster fish gem.” She blushed a little at that last part.

Connie and Greg didn’t even have time to think of a response; for suddenly, the sleeping fusion began to glow brightly and shrink down to a smaller size. Until finally it split in half, and lying there in the remains was Steven and Max; back to normal... And unmoving.

“STEVEN!!” The gems, Connie, and Greg panicked.

“MAX!” Sam panicked as well.

They all ran over to their respective little buddies, worried about why they weren’t moving. When they got a better look, their concerned frowns turned into warm smiles. Steven and Max were not only perfectly fine, but they were both out cold and sleeping peacefully; Steven flat on his back and snoring lightly, and Max curled up into a little fluffy ball kicking his leg slightly.

“Awww, well what do you know. Looks like the last few moments of rampaging mayhem and maintaining an unstable fusion has left them plum tuckered out.” Sam smiled as he picked up the sleeping Max; Max squirmed a little in his sleep.

Garnet picked up the sleeping Steven and ruffled his hair. “Nice work, as usual, Steven,” she cooed.

“I’m going to venture a guess,” Connie asked calmly. “Steven saved us all again, right?”

“You would be correct, little miss,” Sam answered. “In fact, thanks to young Steven’s quick thinking, he and Max were able to liberate you all from eternal bondage without any casualties whatsoever.”

“Smirk while you can, Freelance Police!!” Mack Salmon exclaimed as he finally stopped flopping about. “But our struggle shall never end until you both suffer for what you did to me!!”

“How the heck did he get that way?” Peridot whispered to Sam.

“Max and I still haven’t the foggiest idea... And I’m starting to wonder if HE even knows,” Sam simply said.

“Do to me what you will,” Mack barked again. “But you will never escape the eternal flame that is the wrath of Mack Salmon! I will-”

_**“DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!!”** _

Before Mack could finish his obviously rehearsed monologue, Max’s eyes flew wide open and he leaped out of Sam’s grip and at the villainous carp. He inadvertently brought the fish

back down the hole to the caves below, and several gruesome fighting sounds could be heard from below.

“Ya might wanna hold that ‘no casualties’ thought,” Amethyst winced.

“Oh I’m sure Max is just ‘mirandizing’ our ne’er do well. ...Or he could be tenderizing him, sometimes I wonder if Max knows the difference.” Sam shrugged.

“Well... Should we stop him?” Pearl asked.

“How about we give him five more minutes,” Garnet smirked as she handed Steven’s sleeping form to Greg. After the day they’ve been through, the fish could use a little ‘mirandizing.’

“So... Anybody wanna fill us in on what happened today?” Greg asked again.

“I’ll tell ya when we get everyone back home,” Amethyst replied, smirking as she listened in on Max doing what he does best to criminal scum.


	10. Chapter 10

It had taken at least an hour before things in Beach City returned to normal... Or at least as normal as things get for a place guarded by the Crystal Gems. The kidnapped victims -except for Connie and Greg of course- were brought back to their homes and put in bed. Luckily, Max always carried a spare boxing glove in case someone needs to be knocked out of a hypnotic trance... Or if he needs a chuckle between cases. As far as the victims knew, the last 24 hours was all just a scary dream. But Onion was nowhere to be found. Maybe it was for the best; next time Steven met up with him, he would have a LOT to say to the little weirdo.

The nine of them gathered at the border between Beach City and the Barn with Greg’s van and the DeSoto. Greg had volunteered to drive the gems back to the barn and to take Connie home... AFTER Steven told them everything that had happened. Naturally, Connie and Greg’s jaws had dropped after they were filled in.

“Wait... He was seriously going to make you turn your shield on yourself!?” Connie asked.

“Yup,” Steven admitted. “ And this shield once took out a TV! I don’t wanna see what it could do to my HEAD!”

Greg pulled Steven into a bear hug. “Well, I’m just glad you didn’t have to find out, Kiddo. I mean, if ANYONE EVER tried to threaten my little buddy when I’m NOT under some crazy hypno spell... Well, I have no idea what I’d do, but it WON’T be pretty!” He put Steven down when he could see Steven’s face turning blue.

“Well I wouldn’t worry about Mack Salmon anymore, Mr. Universe,” Sam reassured. “My little buddy and I will send that culprit cod up the river!”

“He’ll fry for this,” Max grinned. “Get it? Fish? Fry?”

Pearl giggled slightly at Max’s joke... But hid her laughter when Amethyst smirked at her.

“AND you got to team up with two comic book characters?!” Connie queried again. “...I should be asking if any of this should be possible... But I’m just glad you’re alright and you saved us... Again.” She pulled Steven into a more gentler hug, which Steven happily returned.

“Well, I couldn’t have done it without the gems... Or my new friends, Sam & Max: Freelance Police!” Steven explained happily.

“Aww shucks,” Sam said modestly.

“Yes... Thank you, Sam & Max,” Pearl thanked awkwardly. “You two are peculiar-”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Peridot grumbled.

“-But,” Pearl continued. “I must admit, you two do get the job done... Somehow. I’m just surprised you stuck with us after we... Well, mostly Peridot and I kept doubting you.”

“Well, you wouldn’t be the first...” Sam admitted. “Max and I take pride in proving wrong all those who’ve ever doubted us.”

“Egotistical violence is the 7th best kind of violence,” Max chimed in.

“But still, I wouldn’t brood over the bygone feelings of regret, Pearl. We all make mistakes, and there’s a high chance you might fall on your face. But, you gotta get up, because wouldn’t you rather stand tall than live on your knees? 'Cause you’re all conquerors and won't accept defeat,” Sam simply stated. The gems smiled warmly at Sam’s speech.

“That was a beautiful speech, Sam.” Max sniffled. “...Wasn’t that on the back of a Captain Crunch cereal box?”

“Beats me, Chowderhead,” Sam shrugged. “I heard it in a song once.” “I like it,” Garnet smirked.  
Sam suddenly thought of something.

“Ooh! I almost forgot!” He cleared his throat. “Steven, for your bone-headed bravery to go above and beyond the call of an average human/mineral cross-breed-”

“AND for giving us something to watch besides ANOTHER CW superhero show,” Max quipped.

“-We’d like to present you with this button we got after successfully stomaching one of Meesta Pizza’s Swamp Dish Delight pizzas, and make you an honorary Junior Freelance Police!” Sam announced as he fished the button out of his pocket and pinned it to Steven’s shirt.

Steven gasped in delight as stars shined in his eyes; it may have been a simple pin button with a picture of a pizza on it to the others, but it was like a badge of honor to Steven.

“‘JUNIOR Freelance Police?!’ Does this mean I get to go on dangerous bone-headed missions like you guys do?!”

“Sorry Steven, but you have to be at least 18 before you can be a gun-wielding law enforcer of sorts like us,” Sam explained.

“But, it DOES mean you get to special order Meesta Pizza’s Icelandic Thanksgiving Special,” Max added. “Mint jelly not included.”

Although confused, Steven puffed out his chest with pride anyway. “Then I will wear this button with pride! And someday, maybe I’ll be a Freelance Police officer too!!”

“Uh... How about, for now, you just stick to being good old Steven?” Connie suggested, smiling awkwardly.

“Sounds perfect to me,” Greg commented, ruffling Steven’s hair.

“Us too,” Pearl added as she gave Steven a small hug, which the others -Peridot was rather awkward in her hug- joined in.

But this kodak moment was suddenly interrupted by Steven’s phone ringing loudly. Everyone broke out of the hug as Steven answered the phone.

“Hello? Huh? Wait, how’d you get this number? Mmm-phmm? Uh-huh? Ooooooh! Ok, I’ll tell them.” He brought the phone away and turned to Sam & Max, “Guys. It’s the Commissioner!”

**“I GOT IT!! I GOT IT!! I GOT IT!!”**

As soon as Steven said that, Sam & Max were once again wrestling each other to answer Steven’s phone. Once again, Sam had Max pinned under his foot as he grabbed the phone from Steven.

“Yeah? Yeah? Uh-huh? Uh-huh? Great schools of bicudas on a feeding frenzy with Alexander Graham Bell and a lint-covered English muffin!! We’re on our way!” Sam quickly handed the phone back to Steven and pulled Max free from his foot. “The Commissioner says there’s bad trouble in Jump City!”

“What kind of trouble?” Max asked.

“Apparently, the city’s heroes have become neglectful of their heroic responsibilities and are now pale parodies of their former selves.”

“Yeah so?”

“The Commissioner’s tired of hearing constant complaints about them, so he wants us to see if we can smack some constructive criticism into them.”

“If that doesn’t work, can we smack some constructive concrete into them?”

“Can’t think of a reason not to. Let’s roll!!”

With that, Sam & Max dashed for their car and prepared to head off. The gems started waving goodbye.

“Goodbye, Sam & Max! I’ll never forget you!” Steven shouted sadly.

“I wish I could forget you!” Peridot grumbled.

Sam waved goodbye to their new friends, while Max set fire to a bunch of match heads stuffed in the muffler. Afterward, he stood on the trunk of the car giving peace signs with his fingers.

“Until we meet again, Crystal Gems. SAM! DESOTO! WE RIDE!!!” Max declared. Sam just rolled his eyes.

After a few seconds, a large flame erupted from the muffler, and the car shot into the atmosphere. Sam & Max kept waving at their new friends until they were out of sight.

The gems, Greg, and Connie waved back until the DeSoto had disappeared in the wild blue yonder. As soon as they were gone, the seven of them looked down sadly, already starting to miss their new strange friends.

“Soooo... Today happened.” Pearl broke the silence.

“Yeah... Today was awesome!” Amethyst cheered, until she noticed the glares from Connie and Greg. “Well... Okay, it was more awesome for us than for others.”

“I’m just glad it’s all over,” Peridot sighed, relieved... “We’ve already lost too much time for working on the drill and stopping the Cluster! And if I ever see that demented little... Max creature again, it’ll be too soon!”

“Hey, Peridot!” Amethyst smirked, as she shapeshifted into a certain lagomorph. “GET IN MAH MOUTH AGAIN!!!”

“NO!!” Peridot shrieked in terror. “NOT AGAIN!! STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU... MAX, YOU!!!” She dashed away in pure fright while Amethyst chased after her, cackling mischievously.

Steven sighed sadly again. “I’m really gonna miss Sam & Max. They were lots of fun to be around! Who knows when they’re ever gonna come back again?”

“Well... It’s really hard to say, Steven,” Pearl admitted. “The fact is they don’t really belong in this world so... They may never come back.”

“And if that’s the case,” Garnet added. “You can be sad that someone you care about is gone, but you should also be happy that you got to know them at all.” Pearl looked down solemnly as Garnet said that.

“Besides, Shtoo-ball, you still got all those comics and games I gave you! So it’ll be like they never left.” Greg assured, putting his hand on Steven’s shoulder.

Steven’s toothy grin returned, “Yeah. You’re right. They’re too pure for this world, and need to go back to doing what they do best! And so will I... Being the best Steven I can be!!”

Greg couldn’t help but giggle. “You crack me up, Steven.”

“And right now, I think the best Steven ever needs to stop Amethyst from eating Peridot.” Connie pointed out.

Steven blushed slightly at Connie’s compliment. “Only if the best Connie ever helps me.”

Connie blushed back. “Don’t mind if I do.” With that, the two kids raced off after Amethyst and Peridot, to save the green gem from being eaten by the purple prankster.

“I’m gonna get the van started. Just let me know when we’re headin’ back.” Greg told Garnet and Pearl, as he headed back to the front seat of his van.

Thus, Garnet and Pearl were left alone with their thoughts. They both wanted to tell Steven that they had overheard his confession in the kindergarten, but they didn’t want to ruin what was a fun day for their lovable charge. Even they had to admit that, while the majority of their adventure today was strange and bizarre, it had been kind of fun; but it would be better to have things back to normal while they prepared to take on the Cluster... And prepared for Steven’s birthday next week.


	11. Epilogue

Meanwhile, the DeSoto had successfully left the earth’s pull, and Sam & Max were now driving through the soupy chunks of the Multiverse.

“And that’s ANOTHER case for the history books, Max. We solved a missing person’s case, met four sentient rock minerals and an impressionable youngster, and got to experience our first real taste of progression.” Sam sighed contently.

“What’re you talking about, Sam?” Max asked. “We’ve ALWAYS been progressive!”

“No, Max. We’ve always been AGGRESSIVE.”

“Right. What did I say?”

“Ah, never mind.”

“But you know what, Sam? I’ll kinda miss that Steven kid. That big dopey grin of his made me feel all kinds of warm and clam chowdery inside.”

“That reminds me, aluminum-head, any residual damage from fusing with young Steven?”

“Nothing serious; except I feel gassy, remorseful about my mother, mournful about foods shaped like cats, and I might be retaining water.”

“You’ll notice all kinds of bizarre changes as you get older, little pal.”

“Sam, you think we’ll ever see Steven again?”

“I wouldn’t doubt it. With how much his stories have come, I think it’ll be harder to NOT see Steven ever again.”

“Hey, you ever feel like we forgot something?” Max pondered.

Turns out they DID forget something. Back in Beach City, the polar bear they had in their trunk was resting on a beach chair near the shore, and the woman made of candy was reclining in the chair next to him. The candy woman leaned towards the bear’s paw, making him feel uncomfortable.

“Ice Bear is not ready for commitment,” the bear simply said, as he got out of the chair and strutted away.

“Oh well,” Sam shrugged. “If it was important, we probably wouldn’t have forgotten it.” “No, we probably still would’ve,” Max smirked.  
“True. But we’ll worry about that later. We’ve got a new caper to take care of.”

“Ooh! Goody! I wanna hassle those self-righteous Titans for making that ‘your new favorite show’ ad campaign!” Max grinned. “Everyone knows my new favorite show is ‘Pirahna Factor .’”

“The new game show about the poor blockheads who try to spend an hour in a kiddie pool full of black piranhas for a thousand dollars, only to end up using the prize money for the medical expenses they’ll surely need after the show?” Sam queried.

“It’s the perfect combination of irony, pathos, and moral depravity, Sam! Who WOULDN’T wanna watch it!?” Max exclaimed.

“You crack me up, little buddy.” Sam chuckled.

With that, the Freelance Police raced off through the black void of space, getting ready to crack the skulls of ne’er-do-wells once again. What would happen after this case? Who could say? All anyone knew was that no matter where they go, no matter who they meet, nothing is too strange a day for Sam & Max.


End file.
